Increasing Others' Respect for You
20 June 2008
Read by 1666 persons
Becoming an Influential Leader
What makes others appreciate us, love us, and confide in us? When they talk to us, how do we listen? With both ears, or with our eyes and a third ear (our heart)? How do we act in their presence? How do we let our actions speak to them and influence them? Take a moment to think about someone in your life (professional and personal) who truly respects you (note: not hypocrites who shower you with compliments even when you know you're in the wrong). Have you ever tried to understand why they have so much respect for you? "Don't give anyone the chance to misunderstand who you are or what you value." Hermann CAKPO
When you're a leader, people expect strong signals from you. All leaders or group managers always benefit from the doubt when they take the lead. Everyone wants to be your friend. Everyone wants to earn your respect and offers you their respect upfront. But in most cases, this respect is lost very early on. So how do you move forward with people who don't like you? How do you get the best out of people who don't like you? To gain, maintain, and regain respect, we suggest the following four methods. Each one alone will not improve others' respect for you. Agree to apply them all; moreover, this list is not exhaustive.
Work on Persuading Others
Don't give anyone the chance to misunderstand who you really are or what you value. Someone who is initially ready to give you their respect can end up hating you simply because they misinterpreted your behavior. Systematically and clearly state your principles, your point of view, how you appreciate others, and what you value in others. Generally, people will lose trust in you not because you do what they don't like, but because they believe you did something you don't like, according to their understanding. If you make a decision, don't say, "I have no explanation to give them about my decision." Be careful; if they misinterpret even one of your decisions and in the wrong way, they will immediately dislike you.
I had just finished a meeting with my colleagues, and one of them asked to speak to me privately. I told him I had no problem with that and he could sit down. He was so moved or touched that I could read frustration in his gaze, unable to meet my eyes. He confided in me that he was disappointed and betrayed by the fact that I had reproached him for lacking commitment. Finally, he added that it wasn't like me and that it was important for him to verify if that was really what I meant. I could have simply said, "I wasn't talking to you, certainly not you." He could have believed me or not. So I chose to persuade him that it couldn't be him; I told him this: "Tell me, my dear friend, do you remember my last testimony about your commitment? Remember the context, all those people who were present, I looked you in the eye and with tears in my eyes I said, 'He shared his coins with me'; that was barely a week ago, you know. But without being hurt, I'm starting to be bothered by seeing you misunderstand me every time." He got up, and after taking a few steps towards the window, he came back to sit on my desk and said with great emotion: "This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I was wrong for over two years about the true nature of my fiancée. But through her explanations and actions, she finally gained my full respect."
Be Patient with Others, Especially Their Methods
When a rather naive colleague fails at the most trivial challenge, you don't need to remind them of their naiveté; you already know it. Instead of shooting them a condescending look, turn your heart towards them and say, "It's true that I didn't tell you that you could proceed in another way. By the way, in situations like these, if you have any doubts, ask one of your colleagues or come see me. Most people who try this for the first time have difficulty, but when they are explained, they see for themselves that it's child's play, and they always do it better than those who came before them. That's what I should have done." Leaving your office, what the colleague will tell themselves is that the fault is not theirs. But if they want to avoid this next time, they will have to approach you if they have any doubts. Someone who doesn't respect you can't come to you. If they come to you with a lot of fear, and through your reaction you manage to dissipate that fear, you increase their respect for you.
Be Gentle
A child always respects the gentler of two parents. But when we're in a company or group, we generally think that the adults around us are adults; this is not always a given. Sometimes children are more adult than they are. A primary school teacher was once attending a refresher training course. While the primary school inspector was reminding them of pedagogical principles, he spent his time chatting with colleagues at the back table. The scene is very similar to that of an elementary school class. The inspector turned to him and said, "Please, sir: do you teach a class?" He replied, "Yes." "Sometimes your students chat like you were doing just now." He replied, "Yes." "So what do you do when they chat?" He replied, "I spank them or I pinch them." "So you mean that's what I should do to you?"
When they are in a group, adults behave like children and need just as much attention, affection, and gentleness. If you want to gain the respect of your colleagues, be the parent to whom they come for refuge when they feel threatened by the other parent. Be the mother they will be nostalgic for when they are no longer with you.
Use Kindness to Win the Hearts of Others
Do you really think that it's enough to tell someone "I love you" for them to believe it? Do you really think it's enough to tell someone "I'm the kindest to you" for them to confide in you? Even kidnappers are kind to their vulnerable hostages, knowing that they are committing atrocities against them. If you think you're already doing too much good for your employees by recruiting them or giving them your trust, think again; they don't just expect a job from you!
When was the last time you called an employee on their birthday or asked HR to call them? Do you know the homes of your various directors, all your department heads, or the members of your department? Yes, you don't have time. It's easy for us not to have time. But in reality, having time for others requires accepting sacrifice. People will say you're kind when you make sacrifices for them, when you surprise them (a phone call on the weekend when you're supposed to be taking care of what's most precious to you: your family and yourself). Indeed, when you call a colleague on the weekend for non-professional reasons, they immediately understand that they remain important to you even outside of work. Do you really think they'll hate you?
Posted online June 20, 2008
westafrica.smetoolkit.org
What makes others appreciate us, love us, and confide in us? When they talk to us, how do we listen? With both ears, or with our eyes and a third ear (our heart)? How do we act in their presence? How do we let our actions speak to them and influence them? Take a moment to think about someone in your life (professional and personal) who truly respects you (note: not hypocrites who shower you with compliments even when you know you're in the wrong). Have you ever tried to understand why they have so much respect for you? "Don't give anyone the chance to misunderstand who you are or what you value." Hermann CAKPO
When you're a leader, people expect strong signals from you. All leaders or group managers always benefit from the doubt when they take the lead. Everyone wants to be your friend. Everyone wants to earn your respect and offers you their respect upfront. But in most cases, this respect is lost very early on. So how do you move forward with people who don't like you? How do you get the best out of people who don't like you? To gain, maintain, and regain respect, we suggest the following four methods. Each one alone will not improve others' respect for you. Agree to apply them all; moreover, this list is not exhaustive.
Work on Persuading Others
Don't give anyone the chance to misunderstand who you really are or what you value. Someone who is initially ready to give you their respect can end up hating you simply because they misinterpreted your behavior. Systematically and clearly state your principles, your point of view, how you appreciate others, and what you value in others. Generally, people will lose trust in you not because you do what they don't like, but because they believe you did something you don't like, according to their understanding. If you make a decision, don't say, "I have no explanation to give them about my decision." Be careful; if they misinterpret even one of your decisions and in the wrong way, they will immediately dislike you.
I had just finished a meeting with my colleagues, and one of them asked to speak to me privately. I told him I had no problem with that and he could sit down. He was so moved or touched that I could read frustration in his gaze, unable to meet my eyes. He confided in me that he was disappointed and betrayed by the fact that I had reproached him for lacking commitment. Finally, he added that it wasn't like me and that it was important for him to verify if that was really what I meant. I could have simply said, "I wasn't talking to you, certainly not you." He could have believed me or not. So I chose to persuade him that it couldn't be him; I told him this: "Tell me, my dear friend, do you remember my last testimony about your commitment? Remember the context, all those people who were present, I looked you in the eye and with tears in my eyes I said, 'He shared his coins with me'; that was barely a week ago, you know. But without being hurt, I'm starting to be bothered by seeing you misunderstand me every time." He got up, and after taking a few steps towards the window, he came back to sit on my desk and said with great emotion: "This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I was wrong for over two years about the true nature of my fiancée. But through her explanations and actions, she finally gained my full respect."
Be Patient with Others, Especially Their Methods
When a rather naive colleague fails at the most trivial challenge, you don't need to remind them of their naiveté; you already know it. Instead of shooting them a condescending look, turn your heart towards them and say, "It's true that I didn't tell you that you could proceed in another way. By the way, in situations like these, if you have any doubts, ask one of your colleagues or come see me. Most people who try this for the first time have difficulty, but when they are explained, they see for themselves that it's child's play, and they always do it better than those who came before them. That's what I should have done." Leaving your office, what the colleague will tell themselves is that the fault is not theirs. But if they want to avoid this next time, they will have to approach you if they have any doubts. Someone who doesn't respect you can't come to you. If they come to you with a lot of fear, and through your reaction you manage to dissipate that fear, you increase their respect for you.
Be Gentle
A child always respects the gentler of two parents. But when we're in a company or group, we generally think that the adults around us are adults; this is not always a given. Sometimes children are more adult than they are. A primary school teacher was once attending a refresher training course. While the primary school inspector was reminding them of pedagogical principles, he spent his time chatting with colleagues at the back table. The scene is very similar to that of an elementary school class. The inspector turned to him and said, "Please, sir: do you teach a class?" He replied, "Yes." "Sometimes your students chat like you were doing just now." He replied, "Yes." "So what do you do when they chat?" He replied, "I spank them or I pinch them." "So you mean that's what I should do to you?"
When they are in a group, adults behave like children and need just as much attention, affection, and gentleness. If you want to gain the respect of your colleagues, be the parent to whom they come for refuge when they feel threatened by the other parent. Be the mother they will be nostalgic for when they are no longer with you.
Use Kindness to Win the Hearts of Others
Do you really think that it's enough to tell someone "I love you" for them to believe it? Do you really think it's enough to tell someone "I'm the kindest to you" for them to confide in you? Even kidnappers are kind to their vulnerable hostages, knowing that they are committing atrocities against them. If you think you're already doing too much good for your employees by recruiting them or giving them your trust, think again; they don't just expect a job from you!
When was the last time you called an employee on their birthday or asked HR to call them? Do you know the homes of your various directors, all your department heads, or the members of your department? Yes, you don't have time. It's easy for us not to have time. But in reality, having time for others requires accepting sacrifice. People will say you're kind when you make sacrifices for them, when you surprise them (a phone call on the weekend when you're supposed to be taking care of what's most precious to you: your family and yourself). Indeed, when you call a colleague on the weekend for non-professional reasons, they immediately understand that they remain important to you even outside of work. Do you really think they'll hate you?
Posted online June 20, 2008
westafrica.smetoolkit.org
