At the office, I always stay apart.
10 November 2012
Read by 1550 persons
Some people spend thirty-five hours a week in their corner. And when the team chats over coffee or has a "group" lunch, they aren't there. Where does this inhibition come from? And what can be done to escape this self-imposed isolation?
Vanessa, 35, a sales assistant in vehicle rental, works with more than thirty people in an open-plan office. "Very uncomfortable, I've never managed to become friends with anyone," she confides. "It's entirely my fault, I know. But nothing I can do, I stay in my corner." As psychoanalyst Catherine Audibert explains, "some people have a great desire for solitude, without it being pathological." Even if, she adds, "a need for protection, conscious or unconscious, is very often at the origin of this withdrawal behavior."
Why?
I don't have time to chat
According to Fabrice Lacombe, a business coach and trainer, this isolation "is primarily social, and comes from our current lifestyle: everything moves very fast, we have less time to get closer to others and, often, less need for them to produce our work." According to him, this tendency towards self-withdrawal is exacerbated by the business world: "Social connection, always valued in speeches, is not valued in reality," he analyzes. "Functional and profitable exchanges are privileged to the detriment of relational communication. Management is also increasingly demanding: employees feel insecure and isolate themselves to protect themselves."
I'm not up to it
For gestalt therapist Serge Ginger, the feeling of inferiority is one of the most frequent causes of this type of behavior: "It translates into a fear of others, of their judgment, of their gaze. Not feeling up to it, some make themselves very small." According to him, this is often due to previous or concurrent negative experiences: sentimental or professional failure, betrayal of a friend, family difficulties... any event that weakens our self-esteem - particularly necessary in the competitive world of business.
I find my place as a child
"The professional environment reactivates the place we occupied as a child within our family," says Catherine Audibert. The hierarchical superior recalls a maternal or paternal figure, the team acts as a sibling group... "We are then confronted with the same blockages as before," she continues. "Placed in a childlike relationship with others, the same feelings resurface - of intrusion, inferiority, rejection... - which lead to similar reactions - protection, self-withdrawal, defense..."
Evaluate the situation
"How much time do you spend with others at your workplace? Do you really suffer from your lack of involvement, your inhibition? Making a concrete evaluation will help define what you lack, what frustrates you," advises Fabrice Lacombe, business coach and trainer. "Before you can consider solutions... or not! After all, you are not obliged to suffer from the situation, especially if your social and emotional ties outside are strong."
Learning to assert yourself
"Because of our automatisms, it is difficult to change one's behavior overnight," notes Serge Ginger, gestalt therapist. "A behavioral approach can help modify these mechanisms. Group therapies, in particular, allow you to assert yourself in your rightful place, to express yourself in the presence of others, to exist in the group."
Retracing the past
"Try to identify what in the past may have been at the origin of difficulties in your relationships with others," advises Catherine Audibert, psychoanalyst: a rivalry between brothers and sisters, difficult communication with your father or mother, a feeling of exclusion? Then observe the specific situations that reactivate these feelings or behaviors today. The goal: to develop your ability to be alone "with" others, a sign of emotional maturity and self-confidence."
Testimonial
Cedric, 38, employee in an import-export company
"I have always been very critical of my colleagues. One day, a friend said to me: "The way you talk, it's like there are only fools in your company. But if you really didn't care, you wouldn't talk about them constantly!" It was like a wake-up call. I realized how defensive I was. From the next day, I decided to act differently, to open myself up to others and, above all, to listen to them. I, who, since childhood, have always been considered a "grumpy bear," have drawn real satisfaction from this openness. I learned that it is possible to bond with colleagues without being devoured."
Aurore Aimelet
Psychologies.com
Posted online November 10, 2012.
Vanessa, 35, a sales assistant in vehicle rental, works with more than thirty people in an open-plan office. "Very uncomfortable, I've never managed to become friends with anyone," she confides. "It's entirely my fault, I know. But nothing I can do, I stay in my corner." As psychoanalyst Catherine Audibert explains, "some people have a great desire for solitude, without it being pathological." Even if, she adds, "a need for protection, conscious or unconscious, is very often at the origin of this withdrawal behavior."
Why?
I don't have time to chat
According to Fabrice Lacombe, a business coach and trainer, this isolation "is primarily social, and comes from our current lifestyle: everything moves very fast, we have less time to get closer to others and, often, less need for them to produce our work." According to him, this tendency towards self-withdrawal is exacerbated by the business world: "Social connection, always valued in speeches, is not valued in reality," he analyzes. "Functional and profitable exchanges are privileged to the detriment of relational communication. Management is also increasingly demanding: employees feel insecure and isolate themselves to protect themselves."
I'm not up to it
For gestalt therapist Serge Ginger, the feeling of inferiority is one of the most frequent causes of this type of behavior: "It translates into a fear of others, of their judgment, of their gaze. Not feeling up to it, some make themselves very small." According to him, this is often due to previous or concurrent negative experiences: sentimental or professional failure, betrayal of a friend, family difficulties... any event that weakens our self-esteem - particularly necessary in the competitive world of business.
I find my place as a child
"The professional environment reactivates the place we occupied as a child within our family," says Catherine Audibert. The hierarchical superior recalls a maternal or paternal figure, the team acts as a sibling group... "We are then confronted with the same blockages as before," she continues. "Placed in a childlike relationship with others, the same feelings resurface - of intrusion, inferiority, rejection... - which lead to similar reactions - protection, self-withdrawal, defense..."
Evaluate the situation
"How much time do you spend with others at your workplace? Do you really suffer from your lack of involvement, your inhibition? Making a concrete evaluation will help define what you lack, what frustrates you," advises Fabrice Lacombe, business coach and trainer. "Before you can consider solutions... or not! After all, you are not obliged to suffer from the situation, especially if your social and emotional ties outside are strong."
Learning to assert yourself
"Because of our automatisms, it is difficult to change one's behavior overnight," notes Serge Ginger, gestalt therapist. "A behavioral approach can help modify these mechanisms. Group therapies, in particular, allow you to assert yourself in your rightful place, to express yourself in the presence of others, to exist in the group."
Retracing the past
"Try to identify what in the past may have been at the origin of difficulties in your relationships with others," advises Catherine Audibert, psychoanalyst: a rivalry between brothers and sisters, difficult communication with your father or mother, a feeling of exclusion? Then observe the specific situations that reactivate these feelings or behaviors today. The goal: to develop your ability to be alone "with" others, a sign of emotional maturity and self-confidence."
Testimonial
Cedric, 38, employee in an import-export company
"I have always been very critical of my colleagues. One day, a friend said to me: "The way you talk, it's like there are only fools in your company. But if you really didn't care, you wouldn't talk about them constantly!" It was like a wake-up call. I realized how defensive I was. From the next day, I decided to act differently, to open myself up to others and, above all, to listen to them. I, who, since childhood, have always been considered a "grumpy bear," have drawn real satisfaction from this openness. I learned that it is possible to bond with colleagues without being devoured."
Aurore Aimelet
Psychologies.com
Posted online November 10, 2012.
