Overbearing Colleague: 5 Tips to Set Boundaries
4 March 2013
Read by 1867 persons
It's not easy to stop a colleague from invading your personal space at the office. What to do before you explode?
Sophie will long remember the three years she shared an office with Isabelle: "I was constantly immersed in her private life," she sighs. "I knew all about her relationship problems, her relationship with her mother, and the advice her therapist gave her. I even met her lover who regularly came to see her at the office. Concentrating in the same room as her was a feat."
There are those, like Isabelle, who flaunt their private lives, and those who spread...physically, sitting on your desk, leaving crumbs from their sandwich on your keyboard, or displaying their family photos large in a cramped workspace...
1. Understand the cause
"These behaviors are classified as 'incivilities,' that is, a lack of good manners in society," notes Valentine Chapus-Gilbert, a coach and management trainer. "This notion may seem vague since good manners are not defined in writing, and everyone sets their own limits. Nevertheless, these practices, repeated and pushed to the extreme, can be perceived as violence against employees." Why such overflows? Maybe your colleague doesn't have the same perception of space as you? Maybe they are trying to get your attention, to remind you that they exist? Maybe finally, they are adopting this behavior knowingly, because they are trying to make you "pay" for something? Would you, too, be imposing a nuisance on them without knowing it? In the latter case, you need to question your own behavior before asking them to amend theirs. If, after self-reflection, you are sure you are irreproachable, you should consider a discussion with them.
2. Prepare for the discussion before exploding
Certainly, this is not an easy step. It's not very rewarding to hear that you are a neat freak or rigid, a label that your interlocutor will certainly stick on you. But if you do nothing, you will accumulate frustration inside you which, it is likely, will eventually come out, sooner or later, but in a maladjusted way. Violence, aggressiveness, hurtful words: you risk exploding without controlling your words. In addition to appearing as a neat freak, you will surely get angry with this colleague whom, deep down, you like!
3. Be exemplary yourself
"If what bothers you is your colleague's display of private life, you can perhaps systematically refocus the discussion on professional subjects as soon as they bring up personal matters," suggests Alexandre Dubarry of the Quatre Épices consulting firm. After the third attempt, your colleague will see that they are hitting a wall... and should confide in a more empathetic ear. "If that's not enough, say that you have a principle of never discussing personal matters at the office," advises the consultant. But you will have to be exemplary and never overflow if you want the other person to do the same. "For example," proposes Valentine Chapus-Gilbert, "you can clearly mark the personal-professional boundary by leaving your office to take a private call and announce it explicitly: 'Don't leave, I'm stepping away so as not to disturb my colleague.'"
4. Clearly express your limits
If a discussion is necessary, try to create a calm and benevolent atmosphere. Make an appointment with the person in a neutral place, preferably outside the office. Unless it's a physical intrusion: then wait until the person is caught "in the act" (sitting on your desk, their phone speaker activated...) to talk to them. Present things objectively and without emotion, without exaggeration or dramatization. Express precisely how this behavior is bothering you and what your needs are, then make a clear request.
An example, proposed by Alexandre Dubarry: "Julie, I just found some trash on my desk when I cleaned it this morning. This is the second time this week, and I already cleaned some up last week. I'm sorry to bother you with these trivialities, but I need a clean and clear desk to work. I ask you not to leave any packaging on my desk."
5. Be patient
Speak with kindness, but firmness. The most important thing to get yourself respected is to assert how you work, even if it doesn't go over well with your colleague. "Work habits, like food tastes, are not debatable," says Alexandre Dubarry. "Some can work with coffee, others need silence to concentrate." Of course, the other person won't change their behavior after your first remark! You will need patience to repeat the message.
And if nothing works? "Think before you talk to your superiors: from the outside, it might be considered trivial, and you risk discrediting yourself," warns Alexandre Dubarry. "I remember someone who put small cacti on their desk to deter any intrusion," reports the consultant. Simple and effective!
Marie-Pierre Noguès Ledru.
Pourseformer.fr
Posted on March 4, 2013.
Sophie will long remember the three years she shared an office with Isabelle: "I was constantly immersed in her private life," she sighs. "I knew all about her relationship problems, her relationship with her mother, and the advice her therapist gave her. I even met her lover who regularly came to see her at the office. Concentrating in the same room as her was a feat."
There are those, like Isabelle, who flaunt their private lives, and those who spread...physically, sitting on your desk, leaving crumbs from their sandwich on your keyboard, or displaying their family photos large in a cramped workspace...
1. Understand the cause
"These behaviors are classified as 'incivilities,' that is, a lack of good manners in society," notes Valentine Chapus-Gilbert, a coach and management trainer. "This notion may seem vague since good manners are not defined in writing, and everyone sets their own limits. Nevertheless, these practices, repeated and pushed to the extreme, can be perceived as violence against employees." Why such overflows? Maybe your colleague doesn't have the same perception of space as you? Maybe they are trying to get your attention, to remind you that they exist? Maybe finally, they are adopting this behavior knowingly, because they are trying to make you "pay" for something? Would you, too, be imposing a nuisance on them without knowing it? In the latter case, you need to question your own behavior before asking them to amend theirs. If, after self-reflection, you are sure you are irreproachable, you should consider a discussion with them.
2. Prepare for the discussion before exploding
Certainly, this is not an easy step. It's not very rewarding to hear that you are a neat freak or rigid, a label that your interlocutor will certainly stick on you. But if you do nothing, you will accumulate frustration inside you which, it is likely, will eventually come out, sooner or later, but in a maladjusted way. Violence, aggressiveness, hurtful words: you risk exploding without controlling your words. In addition to appearing as a neat freak, you will surely get angry with this colleague whom, deep down, you like!
3. Be exemplary yourself
"If what bothers you is your colleague's display of private life, you can perhaps systematically refocus the discussion on professional subjects as soon as they bring up personal matters," suggests Alexandre Dubarry of the Quatre Épices consulting firm. After the third attempt, your colleague will see that they are hitting a wall... and should confide in a more empathetic ear. "If that's not enough, say that you have a principle of never discussing personal matters at the office," advises the consultant. But you will have to be exemplary and never overflow if you want the other person to do the same. "For example," proposes Valentine Chapus-Gilbert, "you can clearly mark the personal-professional boundary by leaving your office to take a private call and announce it explicitly: 'Don't leave, I'm stepping away so as not to disturb my colleague.'"
4. Clearly express your limits
If a discussion is necessary, try to create a calm and benevolent atmosphere. Make an appointment with the person in a neutral place, preferably outside the office. Unless it's a physical intrusion: then wait until the person is caught "in the act" (sitting on your desk, their phone speaker activated...) to talk to them. Present things objectively and without emotion, without exaggeration or dramatization. Express precisely how this behavior is bothering you and what your needs are, then make a clear request.
An example, proposed by Alexandre Dubarry: "Julie, I just found some trash on my desk when I cleaned it this morning. This is the second time this week, and I already cleaned some up last week. I'm sorry to bother you with these trivialities, but I need a clean and clear desk to work. I ask you not to leave any packaging on my desk."
5. Be patient
Speak with kindness, but firmness. The most important thing to get yourself respected is to assert how you work, even if it doesn't go over well with your colleague. "Work habits, like food tastes, are not debatable," says Alexandre Dubarry. "Some can work with coffee, others need silence to concentrate." Of course, the other person won't change their behavior after your first remark! You will need patience to repeat the message.
And if nothing works? "Think before you talk to your superiors: from the outside, it might be considered trivial, and you risk discrediting yourself," warns Alexandre Dubarry. "I remember someone who put small cacti on their desk to deter any intrusion," reports the consultant. Simple and effective!
Marie-Pierre Noguès Ledru.
Pourseformer.fr
Posted on March 4, 2013.
