What are emotions for?
5 March 2008
Read by 4080 persons
Often, we consider our emotions as obstacles, mistakes, or weaknesses. We then try to control them and prevent them from manifesting.
For example, when I talk to the person I'm most interested in, I get nervous and tense. Of course, I consider this the worst time to be nervous! I want to be at my best to impress them, but instead I blush, stammer, and lose my train of thought.
I wouldn't mind getting angry later, alone at home. That wouldn't bother me at all! But right now, all these reactions are hurting me by preventing me from doing what I want, precisely at the worst moment.
Certainly, I won't get angry at home. There's nothing there to make me angry. In fact, it's precisely at the right time and in the right place that I become tense and blush. Does this statement surprise you? A few more pages and you will understand why it is perfectly true.
A. Why do we have emotions?
Essentially, all our emotional reactions are there to help us adapt to every situation in our lives. They serve to allow us to get the most satisfaction possible from each moment and to avoid the obstacles and dangers that lie in our path. It's a bit like a very sophisticated guidance system that leads us to our main destination: the satisfaction of our needs. We sometimes marvel at the sonar system that dolphins use to guide themselves. With our emotional system, we have nothing to envy them, quite the contrary!
For example, fear triggers physical reactions in us that help us cope with danger more effectively. Our vision becomes sharper, our reflexes faster, our muscles stronger, and we are less sensitive to pain. We then have everything we need to better react to danger by fighting or fleeing effectively.
In such situations, we often see people accomplishing things they would normally be incapable of. Athletes are well aware of this and try to use it to achieve superior performance, putting this intensity at the service of their goals.
In fact, our emotions are the most important part of our guidance system: they provide the necessary information and clues to make it usable. Indeed, our feelings and emotions continuously inform us about the situation we are in and our inner state. More precisely, this emotional life informs us about the effect of events and our own actions on our inner balance.
At any moment, my emotional reactions tell me to what extent my needs are met or unmet. They show me how much the situation or events really suit me.
When we think about the emotions of those around us, this reality becomes clearer. For example, if my friend becomes sad while I'm talking, I immediately know that what I just said doesn't match what he would like. Similarly, if my spouse gets angry, it's clear to me that she considers what I was saying as an obstacle to her satisfaction.
Yet, when we think about our emotions, we are often less clear-sighted. We will tend to consider our sadness not as an important sign to consider, but as a relatively unacceptable weakness. Similarly, we often treat our anger as a lack of control rather than as useful energy to overcome a serious obstacle.
Sometimes, we accuse others of having excessive emotional reactions. But again, it is easy to detect the reason for this assessment: we consider the other person's reaction as too strong or too emotional when it disrupts our approach, when it hinders the achievement of our goals. No one accuses another of loving them too much unless they are trying to distance themselves from that person. It is not their search for satisfaction that we denounce then, it is the additional difficulty that results from our separation.
B. Precise messages
The two examples above illustrate another important aspect: each emotion or feeling gives us a precise message about our inner balance. Thus, anger indicates that our body has detected the presence of an obstacle. Similarly, sadness is present when we experience a loss or suffer from a lack. The list of examples would be long, as each feeling carries a particular message.
Fortunately, it is not necessary to carry around a translation manual to know the particular meaning of each one; it is enough to be carefully attentive and to feel it completely. If I am receptive and curious about the feelings and emotions that appear in my inner world, it is quite easy to understand their messages.
But on the other hand, if I object and consider these reactions inappropriate, this will not prevent them from existing, but their meaning will not become clear. In fact, my feelings will then begin to take on different forms that will reflect not only the initial imbalance, but also the additional imbalances that will appear from the moment I push away my feelings.
It seems benign: I'm only pushing away a feeling. But in fact, it's the first step down to hell. As we will see, it is the first step towards profound alienation and a multitude of problems of all kinds.
And that's the beginning of the complications! Frustrations accumulate and feelings become more intense, so much so that I easily come to consider them disproportionate. My emotion then reflects not only my reaction to the particular event on which it manifests, but also my accumulated frustration in several other similar situations. My reaction is too strong for the present situation, but it is exactly the right intensity to address all the situations to which I refused to react. And that's precisely what I'm doing now: I'm reacting to all those situations at once. This is the second step, more slippery than the first, the one where I accumulate frustrations.
The most frequent example of this accumulation is the feeling of being like a bomb. For example, you can't stand being led by the nose anymore, you blame yourself for being unable to say no, you're tired of being treated like you're nothing. It's then like a physical impossibility: nothing more goes through, you are simply unable to accept any further frustration. The cup is full, as they say!
But even here, as long as my emotions remain alive, all is not lost. I may consider my reactions exaggerated, but they continue to show me the way forward. It is still quite easy to listen to them and take them into account; I just have to decide to do so. It takes some courage to face the issue that has been avoided for some time, but it's still relatively easy. It's the next step that is truly dangerous: the one where I manage to stifle my emotions, to prevent them from surfacing from time to time.
C. Stifled emotions are costly
This is what often happens in unsatisfactory relationships: I am increasingly dissatisfied, but I believe less and less in the possibility of reaching a solution. So, rather than continuing to feel the anger rising within me, which could serve to break the vicious cycle, I choose to stifle it. I no longer want to make useless scenes, I no longer believe it is useful to raise the issue again to always arrive at the same impasse, I don't want a violent quarrel in front of the children, I find it less tiring to sulk or drink... All pretexts can serve and each one has a part of truth, but the final result is always the same: I choose to extinguish myself. This is the third step down towards the loss of self.
And this choice comes at a high price! The first and most serious price to pay is a form of inner indifference: you no longer really suffer, you no longer react so much, you are like neutral. And it's not just with the person in front of whom you stifle your reactions, it's a bit everywhere. This indifference spreads like an oil stain. In fact, you are psychologically or emotionally dead! Like a dead person, you no longer have any reaction and your reflexes disappear, even those that serve survival. A dead person doesn't need survival reflexes!
Of course, you can delude yourself into remaining alive: you become passionate about football, you dive headlong into work, you become absorbed in a captivating hobby, you invest everything in a child or a cat. But from the point of view of our most important psychological needs, it is resignation, with nostalgia or bitterness following close behind.
If this apparent emotional indifference lasts too long, we slip towards the fourth step: the one where secondary clues capture our attention. Several ailments then threaten us: depression, anxiety, phobias, stress, migraines, back pain. All these problems stem from our surrender or our willful blindness. They are the direct results of our ways of fleeing, of numbing ourselves, of avoiding seeing or knowing what is wrong.
Just like the emotions and feelings at the beginning, these reactions are our body's clues to draw our attention to important shortcomings with respect to our main needs. But this time, the clues are much more difficult to decode. Firstly, because they are very indirect: healthy reactions (feelings and emotions) have turned into problems (symptoms) that further worsen the situation. Secondly, the new clues are difficult to use because they are problems that require additional solutions. By capturing our attention, these problems divert it from the lack of satisfaction that persists and prevent us from remedying it. It therefore becomes difficult to tackle the real cause of our ailments, because it is hidden behind an ailment that is taking up more and more space.
D. False responses to needs
Often, at this stage, we begin to worry. The symptoms alarm us and we try to understand what is wrong. This is the healthiest solution, but also the most demanding. If we manage not to be distracted by secondary problems, it is possible to climb back up the slope.
But it very often happens that this worry leads to a new form of avoidance: the search for compensatory satisfactions. This is the fifth step of an increasingly slippery staircase. For example, we can delude ourselves by seeking the admiration or constant attention of those around us, by seeking to accumulate money or power, by engaging in endless wars or crazy love affairs.
In this case, the clues to our discomfort become even more difficult to recognize. As it seems normal to be anxious before giving a performance, in a conflict situation, in trying to conquer a person or a group, it is difficult to recognize the more fundamental alarm signal that our body gives us. We no longer see that the real discomfort comes from our deep dissatisfaction, because our joys and occasional difficulties conceal it. Excitement hides frustration and vainly attempts to replace satisfaction.
And then, we become insatiable: the search for attention, power, money, or admiration is endless because the need we are trying to fill is not the right one. It's as if we had become addicted to a drug: the need increases infinitely. But these artificial paradises are filled with illusions and cruel disappointments: all the admiration in the world is worth nothing to emotionally nourish the person who needs to be loved! Some suicides of celebrities find a new meaning here.
E. Physical complications
But then, the problems become even more serious and insidious. It is our body that becomes the voice of our needs: ulcers, heart problems, skin diseases, insomnia, and several other physical disorders appear as alarm cries from our body that can no longer cope. This is the sixth step: the symptoms tell us that it is a serious and urgent situation. But will we have the courage, this time, to pay attention to it? Why now?
Many people undertake an approach to tackle the problem when they reach this stage. Often, they will go to the doctor hoping for a simple physical solution. A medication, surgery, a fitness program, a diet, or even physiotherapy then appear as desirable solutions.
They are bitterly disappointed when their doctor talks to them about stress, burnout, depression, and the importance of addressing the psychological side of their life. They remain skeptical for a long time in the face of the psychologist who tries to help them see how much their life needs readjustment, how much their relationship is a burden, how much they will have to change their way of life to reach a solution.
Often, at this stage, it is no longer even a question of having the courage to face the problem. On the one hand, we are convinced that it is a physical problem that requires physical solutions. On the other hand, we are then so entangled and confused that we strongly desire to rely on someone else to identify the problem and the solution. We have given up on understanding ourselves and we search everywhere for promises of well-being.
The doctor tells us: "it's psychological", "it's between the ears". But it's revolting, because the pain is really present, we really feel it. It is then tempting to devote our energy to proving to the doctor that he is wrong, that the problem really exists, that it is not an imaginary illness! In the first instance, we will seek the opinion of a second doctor, then a third... Subsequently, we will come to call on all those who promise us a cure or at least an understanding of our situation: healers, speakers, and psychology books then become our avenues of solution. Yes, even the psychiatrist's letter can be a false solution filled with illusion.
Posted on April 22, 2008
redpsy.com
For example, when I talk to the person I'm most interested in, I get nervous and tense. Of course, I consider this the worst time to be nervous! I want to be at my best to impress them, but instead I blush, stammer, and lose my train of thought.
I wouldn't mind getting angry later, alone at home. That wouldn't bother me at all! But right now, all these reactions are hurting me by preventing me from doing what I want, precisely at the worst moment.
Certainly, I won't get angry at home. There's nothing there to make me angry. In fact, it's precisely at the right time and in the right place that I become tense and blush. Does this statement surprise you? A few more pages and you will understand why it is perfectly true.
A. Why do we have emotions?
Essentially, all our emotional reactions are there to help us adapt to every situation in our lives. They serve to allow us to get the most satisfaction possible from each moment and to avoid the obstacles and dangers that lie in our path. It's a bit like a very sophisticated guidance system that leads us to our main destination: the satisfaction of our needs. We sometimes marvel at the sonar system that dolphins use to guide themselves. With our emotional system, we have nothing to envy them, quite the contrary!
For example, fear triggers physical reactions in us that help us cope with danger more effectively. Our vision becomes sharper, our reflexes faster, our muscles stronger, and we are less sensitive to pain. We then have everything we need to better react to danger by fighting or fleeing effectively.
In such situations, we often see people accomplishing things they would normally be incapable of. Athletes are well aware of this and try to use it to achieve superior performance, putting this intensity at the service of their goals.
In fact, our emotions are the most important part of our guidance system: they provide the necessary information and clues to make it usable. Indeed, our feelings and emotions continuously inform us about the situation we are in and our inner state. More precisely, this emotional life informs us about the effect of events and our own actions on our inner balance.
At any moment, my emotional reactions tell me to what extent my needs are met or unmet. They show me how much the situation or events really suit me.
When we think about the emotions of those around us, this reality becomes clearer. For example, if my friend becomes sad while I'm talking, I immediately know that what I just said doesn't match what he would like. Similarly, if my spouse gets angry, it's clear to me that she considers what I was saying as an obstacle to her satisfaction.
Yet, when we think about our emotions, we are often less clear-sighted. We will tend to consider our sadness not as an important sign to consider, but as a relatively unacceptable weakness. Similarly, we often treat our anger as a lack of control rather than as useful energy to overcome a serious obstacle.
Sometimes, we accuse others of having excessive emotional reactions. But again, it is easy to detect the reason for this assessment: we consider the other person's reaction as too strong or too emotional when it disrupts our approach, when it hinders the achievement of our goals. No one accuses another of loving them too much unless they are trying to distance themselves from that person. It is not their search for satisfaction that we denounce then, it is the additional difficulty that results from our separation.
B. Precise messages
The two examples above illustrate another important aspect: each emotion or feeling gives us a precise message about our inner balance. Thus, anger indicates that our body has detected the presence of an obstacle. Similarly, sadness is present when we experience a loss or suffer from a lack. The list of examples would be long, as each feeling carries a particular message.
Fortunately, it is not necessary to carry around a translation manual to know the particular meaning of each one; it is enough to be carefully attentive and to feel it completely. If I am receptive and curious about the feelings and emotions that appear in my inner world, it is quite easy to understand their messages.
But on the other hand, if I object and consider these reactions inappropriate, this will not prevent them from existing, but their meaning will not become clear. In fact, my feelings will then begin to take on different forms that will reflect not only the initial imbalance, but also the additional imbalances that will appear from the moment I push away my feelings.
It seems benign: I'm only pushing away a feeling. But in fact, it's the first step down to hell. As we will see, it is the first step towards profound alienation and a multitude of problems of all kinds.
And that's the beginning of the complications! Frustrations accumulate and feelings become more intense, so much so that I easily come to consider them disproportionate. My emotion then reflects not only my reaction to the particular event on which it manifests, but also my accumulated frustration in several other similar situations. My reaction is too strong for the present situation, but it is exactly the right intensity to address all the situations to which I refused to react. And that's precisely what I'm doing now: I'm reacting to all those situations at once. This is the second step, more slippery than the first, the one where I accumulate frustrations.
The most frequent example of this accumulation is the feeling of being like a bomb. For example, you can't stand being led by the nose anymore, you blame yourself for being unable to say no, you're tired of being treated like you're nothing. It's then like a physical impossibility: nothing more goes through, you are simply unable to accept any further frustration. The cup is full, as they say!
But even here, as long as my emotions remain alive, all is not lost. I may consider my reactions exaggerated, but they continue to show me the way forward. It is still quite easy to listen to them and take them into account; I just have to decide to do so. It takes some courage to face the issue that has been avoided for some time, but it's still relatively easy. It's the next step that is truly dangerous: the one where I manage to stifle my emotions, to prevent them from surfacing from time to time.
C. Stifled emotions are costly
This is what often happens in unsatisfactory relationships: I am increasingly dissatisfied, but I believe less and less in the possibility of reaching a solution. So, rather than continuing to feel the anger rising within me, which could serve to break the vicious cycle, I choose to stifle it. I no longer want to make useless scenes, I no longer believe it is useful to raise the issue again to always arrive at the same impasse, I don't want a violent quarrel in front of the children, I find it less tiring to sulk or drink... All pretexts can serve and each one has a part of truth, but the final result is always the same: I choose to extinguish myself. This is the third step down towards the loss of self.
And this choice comes at a high price! The first and most serious price to pay is a form of inner indifference: you no longer really suffer, you no longer react so much, you are like neutral. And it's not just with the person in front of whom you stifle your reactions, it's a bit everywhere. This indifference spreads like an oil stain. In fact, you are psychologically or emotionally dead! Like a dead person, you no longer have any reaction and your reflexes disappear, even those that serve survival. A dead person doesn't need survival reflexes!
Of course, you can delude yourself into remaining alive: you become passionate about football, you dive headlong into work, you become absorbed in a captivating hobby, you invest everything in a child or a cat. But from the point of view of our most important psychological needs, it is resignation, with nostalgia or bitterness following close behind.
If this apparent emotional indifference lasts too long, we slip towards the fourth step: the one where secondary clues capture our attention. Several ailments then threaten us: depression, anxiety, phobias, stress, migraines, back pain. All these problems stem from our surrender or our willful blindness. They are the direct results of our ways of fleeing, of numbing ourselves, of avoiding seeing or knowing what is wrong.
Just like the emotions and feelings at the beginning, these reactions are our body's clues to draw our attention to important shortcomings with respect to our main needs. But this time, the clues are much more difficult to decode. Firstly, because they are very indirect: healthy reactions (feelings and emotions) have turned into problems (symptoms) that further worsen the situation. Secondly, the new clues are difficult to use because they are problems that require additional solutions. By capturing our attention, these problems divert it from the lack of satisfaction that persists and prevent us from remedying it. It therefore becomes difficult to tackle the real cause of our ailments, because it is hidden behind an ailment that is taking up more and more space.
D. False responses to needs
Often, at this stage, we begin to worry. The symptoms alarm us and we try to understand what is wrong. This is the healthiest solution, but also the most demanding. If we manage not to be distracted by secondary problems, it is possible to climb back up the slope.
But it very often happens that this worry leads to a new form of avoidance: the search for compensatory satisfactions. This is the fifth step of an increasingly slippery staircase. For example, we can delude ourselves by seeking the admiration or constant attention of those around us, by seeking to accumulate money or power, by engaging in endless wars or crazy love affairs.
In this case, the clues to our discomfort become even more difficult to recognize. As it seems normal to be anxious before giving a performance, in a conflict situation, in trying to conquer a person or a group, it is difficult to recognize the more fundamental alarm signal that our body gives us. We no longer see that the real discomfort comes from our deep dissatisfaction, because our joys and occasional difficulties conceal it. Excitement hides frustration and vainly attempts to replace satisfaction.
And then, we become insatiable: the search for attention, power, money, or admiration is endless because the need we are trying to fill is not the right one. It's as if we had become addicted to a drug: the need increases infinitely. But these artificial paradises are filled with illusions and cruel disappointments: all the admiration in the world is worth nothing to emotionally nourish the person who needs to be loved! Some suicides of celebrities find a new meaning here.
E. Physical complications
But then, the problems become even more serious and insidious. It is our body that becomes the voice of our needs: ulcers, heart problems, skin diseases, insomnia, and several other physical disorders appear as alarm cries from our body that can no longer cope. This is the sixth step: the symptoms tell us that it is a serious and urgent situation. But will we have the courage, this time, to pay attention to it? Why now?
Many people undertake an approach to tackle the problem when they reach this stage. Often, they will go to the doctor hoping for a simple physical solution. A medication, surgery, a fitness program, a diet, or even physiotherapy then appear as desirable solutions.
They are bitterly disappointed when their doctor talks to them about stress, burnout, depression, and the importance of addressing the psychological side of their life. They remain skeptical for a long time in the face of the psychologist who tries to help them see how much their life needs readjustment, how much their relationship is a burden, how much they will have to change their way of life to reach a solution.
Often, at this stage, it is no longer even a question of having the courage to face the problem. On the one hand, we are convinced that it is a physical problem that requires physical solutions. On the other hand, we are then so entangled and confused that we strongly desire to rely on someone else to identify the problem and the solution. We have given up on understanding ourselves and we search everywhere for promises of well-being.
The doctor tells us: "it's psychological", "it's between the ears". But it's revolting, because the pain is really present, we really feel it. It is then tempting to devote our energy to proving to the doctor that he is wrong, that the problem really exists, that it is not an imaginary illness! In the first instance, we will seek the opinion of a second doctor, then a third... Subsequently, we will come to call on all those who promise us a cure or at least an understanding of our situation: healers, speakers, and psychology books then become our avenues of solution. Yes, even the psychiatrist's letter can be a false solution filled with illusion.
Posted on April 22, 2008
redpsy.com
