Using Emotions at Work
22 April 2008
Read by 1837 persons
For most of us, emotions have no place in the workplace. They are a sign of weakness and something undesirable. They may be acceptable in close relationships, but not with colleagues.
However, they exist! Whether we like it or not, in particularly important situations, we may become emotional, hurt, angry, happy, worried, excited, etc. As we saw in "What are emotions for?", our emotional reactions are not only inevitable, but also necessary for our adaptation. Their essential use is to inform us about our important needs and how much they are being met.
By choosing to ignore our emotions, we put our lives out of balance. If it is at work that we refuse to feel them, it is our professional life that mainly suffers. But other dimensions of our life will also be affected: physical health, relationships with loved ones, enjoyment of life, etc.
What I propose here is to put our emotions to work: to let them play their role in contributing to our well-being, our satisfaction and our adaptation to the situations we encounter. As a result, our satisfaction and effectiveness at work will be maximized. It is therefore a matter of making our emotions work for us by giving them a place and a proper role in the daily situations of our professional life.
Their place in the workplace
When it comes to making room for emotions in our workplace, we immediately imagine outbursts of anger or crying fits. We think of situations where emotions take over and overflow, while the person experiencing them does not want them to show.
It must be understood that these "emotional crises" are the result of the rejection of emotions and not their normal manifestation. If I push back all my emotional reactions, I will inevitably come to such a crisis, because it will become necessary to "let off steam" and restore a certain balance.
It is the purpose of emotions to draw our attention to imbalances; if we systematically ignore them, they find another way to signal that a problem exists. As I pointed out in "What are emotions for?", emotional overflow is one of the first means our body uses. If we persist in ignoring the imbalance, we will eventually suffer from anxiety, depression and physical problems.
If, on the other hand, I take my emotions into account as soon as they appear, they will remain at a reasonable intensity and remain controllable. But for this option to be acceptable, I will have to find ways "adapted to the workplace" to make room for my emotions.
We can divide the uses of our emotions in the workplace into two groups. The first group is based on openness to emotional reactions. This openness serves as a tool to inform us about ourselves and our environment. This is the theme of this text. The second group is based on emotional expression. The latter is a way to act on situations to make them more satisfying. Another text on this subject was published in April 1998 under the title "Working with my emotions".
The pitfalls of avoidance
"I no longer have the energy I used to have to go to work; I drag myself to work like I'm going to the gallows."
"I can't concentrate on this project that I care about; it's like I've become indifferent."
"I become anxious as soon as I think about this meeting; I feel like calling in sick."
"As soon as I think about my boss, I become confused; I have no more ideas and I feel stupid."
These examples seem relatively innocuous: they are reactions that are frequently observed and to which we don't pay much attention. Yet, each one can hide a major problem which, if no solution is found, will lead to a crisis situation. Do you think I'm exaggerating? Let's examine them together to see...
Lack of energy or enthusiasm
"I no longer have the energy I used to have to go to work; I drag myself to work like I'm going to the gallows." This is what people who are on the verge of burnout often say. It is an indication of our body's revolt against the way we treat it at work.
If I am generally attentive to my emotional reactions, I will know much sooner that I am abusing myself, my resistance, my health. I will feel within me a frequent conflict between my personal needs and what I consider to be my duty. It will be easier for me to find an opportune moment to take into account my growing fatigue and find solutions not only in the immediate future, but also in the longer term. I will find a new way to organize my work and define its place in my life. I will avoid possible burnout and all the inconveniences that come with it.
If I am less attentive but I agree to take my lack of energy seriously, I can still avoid burnout. To do this, I will have to take immediate and vigorous measures to correct the situation. If I really accept to take my clues into account, if I take the time to pay attention to this warning signal, I will be able to fairly quickly discover the problem and its current severity. But will I be courageous enough to make the necessary changes to my work situation?
Lack of concentration or motivation
"I can't concentrate on this project that I care about; it's like I've become indifferent." This is often what people who don't dare admit the extent of their disappointment with the results of their efforts observe. This difficulty is the first step towards a more general disinvestment that will affect the whole person. The result may resemble acute depression.
If I am usually attentive to what I feel, it is likely that I will never reach this depressive reaction, nor even these difficulties of concentration or motivation. Well before, I will have noticed that my efforts are not bringing me what I expect. I will have much earlier the opportunity to look for a more effective way to obtain the satisfactions I aspire to. If my dissatisfaction is inevitable, I will be able to choose to disinvest from this project to devote my energies to a more profitable area.
Even if I am not in the habit of attaching importance to my emotional reactions, I can choose to consider my lack of concentration or motivation as a warning signal. It is not too late to seriously examine my situation and draw the necessary conclusions.
For example, I may find that the quality of my work does not seem to be appreciated, that my boss's comments are too often negative, that a colleague's obstruction infuriates me, etc. It is still time to choose how I want to take into account these frustrations that are accumulating: ask for a formal evaluation of my work, check if my boss is really dissatisfied with my performance, question my colleague about the nature of his fundamental objections, or disinvest, confront, refuse to continue without better support, etc.
Anxiety or temptation to avoid
"I become anxious as soon as I think about this meeting; I feel like calling in sick." We have all experienced situations like this: those whose mere thought is enough to make us anxious. But it is rarer that this discomfort goes so far as to make illness appear as an attractive solution. This is a sign that we no longer believe we are able to cope with the reactions that this situation provokes in us. Avoidance then appears to us as the only viable solution. Yet, we know very well that an absence will solve nothing and that the problem will remain intact for the next time.
If I am in the habit of paying attention to what I feel, I already know what emotions this situation leads me to experience. Even if they are unpleasant or uncomfortable, they will not make me anxious (bad without knowing why). I will rather be inhabited by my true experience: worry, sadness, anger, excitement, joy, desire, love, envy, etc. By devoting a little time and attention to it, with a receptive attitude, I will quickly know in what this situation is important from the point of view of satisfying my important needs. It will quickly become possible to choose how to take this into account in my way of acting and expressing myself with my colleagues and partners.
On the other hand, if I am not inclined to pay attention to my emotions, I may be overwhelmed by anxiety. This is a sign that I regularly adopt avoidance as a solution: I refuse the emotions that present themselves and I try to push them away. (See Michelle Larivey's text entitled "Anxiety and anguish: The guardians of mental balance" in the first issue of "La lettre du psy".)
It is still time, when anxiety and the temptation to flee the situation overwhelm us, to find our inner clues by welcoming what we feel. We must devote sufficient attention and the necessary time to it. We can fairly easily find the emotions and concerns that hide behind the anxiety, provided we really want to and accept the answers that will emerge, whatever they may be. It is the refusal of spontaneous answers that maintains avoidance and anxiety. A welcoming attitude will quickly make us discover the emotions that are involved. By taking these emotions seriously, we will soon discover the important issues that were hidden from us and we will be able to choose how to take them into account.
Confusion and emptiness
"As soon as I think about my boss, I become confused; I have no more ideas and I feel stupid." This is a frequent reaction in front of people to whom we attach great importance. It can manifest itself as much in front of a particularly attractive colleague as in front of an expert we admire or a boss we want to impress. In all cases, it is the fact of wanting to hide our reactions that is responsible for the emptiness and confusion. Our efforts to push back the manifestations of what is intensely present are so strong and effective that they make everything that inhabits us disappear.
If I attach great importance to my feelings and emotions, it is improbable that I will find myself in such a situation. I will not push back my reactions enough for them to become so invisible and confusing. I may be embarrassed to attach so much importance to this person, but I will not be tempted to hide it from myself. If I choose to hide it from this person, I will be embarrassed, reserved, intimidated or prone to blushing, but I will not experience this feeling of emptiness and I will not be confused.
What is the advantage of replacing confusion with embarrassment? Apparently, there is not much difference in quality between these two uncomfortable experiences. However, there is a fundamental difference between the two: in confusion or emptiness, I am not in possession of myself. My personal experience is absent from my consciousness and escapes me. An important dimension of what I am experiencing is foreign to me. On the contrary, in the case of embarrassment or inhibition, I know what inhabits me and I know its importance; my problem is one of expression. I do not want to express or let see what I know to be real and important. In this case, I am still in possession of myself. I can, at any time, change my way of acting to restore harmony between my inner life and my expression.
Feeling to inform oneself
All these examples have one thing in common. Each one underlines the first way to use our emotions: to feel them. Indeed, it is enough to take care to feel them to obtain important and precious information about our current situation. The more we remain attentive to what we feel, the more we are able to take into account what matters most to us and the less we risk the often serious consequences that occur if we do not take them into account.
The advantage of this way of taking our emotions into account is that it can remain completely confidential for as long as we want. If we take care to remain attentive to our emotions, they appear clearly to us as soon as they take on some importance or intensity, while they are still easy to control. We can therefore do what we want with them: take note of them to deal with them at the time that suits us, take them into account to see more clearly in the situation, express them immediately, plan a time to communicate them to the other person, etc.
It is we who decide what we want to do with them and when we want to do it. This is the direct benefit we obtain if we regularly remain attentive to our emotions. They become clear early enough for us to be able to choose how to make room for them.
Welcoming to understand
The more we are in complex situations or in relationships where our interlocutors hide an important part of their point of view or their motives, the more our emotions become useful in helping us to understand what is happening. Many people believe that our emotions blind us and prevent us from adapting well to situations. But in reality, the opposite is true: it is the act of constantly pushing back emotions that makes one blind and maladjusted.
But for our feelings and emotions to help us understand complex situations, it is necessary to be attentive to them in a particular way. It is not enough, in these conditions, to wait for them to appear on their own; we must be more welcoming so that they deliver the full richness of their message.
"I don't know why, but I don't feel comfortable with this person."
"He may say that he appreciates my contribution, but I can't feel appreciated."
"He says he supports me, but I feel suspicious."
"I don't understand why I feel attracted to her; we only talk about this task."
Here is a series of examples where my emotional reactions indicate to me that there are dimensions of the situation that I detect without clearly perceiving them. We could talk about intuition, but in reality it is subtle feelings that I experience in reaction to what I know without being really aware of it. These experiences are more frequent than we like to believe and it is enough to stop and consider them to benefit from them.
Often, indeed, we can understand what is happening between us and a colleague long before we have all the elements to do so. It is enough to be truly attentive to the subtleties of our emotional reactions towards this person or in the situations where we are with them. Through our feelings and subtle emotional reactions, we will be able to find clues to discover that smiles are not sincere, that encouragements have hidden objectives, that consensuses are false or fragile, etc. We will also know, intuitively, that we have the trust, affection or esteem of a colleague.
It is therefore by being voluntarily attentive and receptive to the subtleties of my emotional reactions that I obtain clues that enrich and illuminate my understanding of the situation, especially in its interpersonal dimensions. Some people are more skilled at feeling the subtleties of their emotional life in this way and can easily use them. Others have not developed this skill, but they can learn if they choose appropriate methods. (See the Savoir Ressentir program for a proven method.)
How to be so receptive? It's relatively simple: you must
be attentive to what I feel,
be ready to welcome what I discover in this way and
leave these subtle impressions the necessary time to become clear.
By this welcoming attitude, I provide my feelings with the necessary conditions for them to inform me of the aspects that I did not yet see clearly. The same situations will then lead me to say:
"I know that something is not clear between us, even if I don't know what."
"I'm sure he objects to what I'm doing, even if he claims otherwise."
"I know I can't count on his support."
"Although we hide behind work, I desire her and I know she reacts to it."
Temporary Conclusion
We have seen here how our emotions can serve to inform us about our situation and to adapt to it. We have also seen how our more subtle reactions can help us to better perceive the situation by detecting dimensions that are not yet explicit. But the most important thing is that paying attention to our emotional reactions prevents many problems. We make room for our needs instead of exhausting ourselves, we adapt our behavior instead of losing our motivation. This attention also allows us to know what affects us rather than being overwhelmed by anxiety or confusion. In short, we recover essential tools for our adaptation in replacement of experiences of deterioration.
These uses of our emotional life in work situations do not change anything in our usual ways of acting, at least in the eyes of others. All this happens internally, in our awareness of what inhabits us. This is the first way to put our emotions to work.
In a second text in this series dealing with emotions at work ("Working with my emotions"), we will examine another aspect of the same question: the place we can make for the expression of our emotions in our workplace. We will see in which situations we have an advantage in making our emotions known or seen, and what results we can expect following such expression.
Before reading this article, I suggest you put this text into practice: be more attentive to what you feel in work situations and be more welcoming to what you discover there. This will allow you to verify to what extent these methods are applicable in your life. In addition, you will find concrete examples from your life that will be useful for reading "Working with my emotions". Feel free to send us your comments.
Posted online April 22, 2008
europe.adp.com
However, they exist! Whether we like it or not, in particularly important situations, we may become emotional, hurt, angry, happy, worried, excited, etc. As we saw in "What are emotions for?", our emotional reactions are not only inevitable, but also necessary for our adaptation. Their essential use is to inform us about our important needs and how much they are being met.
By choosing to ignore our emotions, we put our lives out of balance. If it is at work that we refuse to feel them, it is our professional life that mainly suffers. But other dimensions of our life will also be affected: physical health, relationships with loved ones, enjoyment of life, etc.
What I propose here is to put our emotions to work: to let them play their role in contributing to our well-being, our satisfaction and our adaptation to the situations we encounter. As a result, our satisfaction and effectiveness at work will be maximized. It is therefore a matter of making our emotions work for us by giving them a place and a proper role in the daily situations of our professional life.
Their place in the workplace
When it comes to making room for emotions in our workplace, we immediately imagine outbursts of anger or crying fits. We think of situations where emotions take over and overflow, while the person experiencing them does not want them to show.
It must be understood that these "emotional crises" are the result of the rejection of emotions and not their normal manifestation. If I push back all my emotional reactions, I will inevitably come to such a crisis, because it will become necessary to "let off steam" and restore a certain balance.
It is the purpose of emotions to draw our attention to imbalances; if we systematically ignore them, they find another way to signal that a problem exists. As I pointed out in "What are emotions for?", emotional overflow is one of the first means our body uses. If we persist in ignoring the imbalance, we will eventually suffer from anxiety, depression and physical problems.
If, on the other hand, I take my emotions into account as soon as they appear, they will remain at a reasonable intensity and remain controllable. But for this option to be acceptable, I will have to find ways "adapted to the workplace" to make room for my emotions.
We can divide the uses of our emotions in the workplace into two groups. The first group is based on openness to emotional reactions. This openness serves as a tool to inform us about ourselves and our environment. This is the theme of this text. The second group is based on emotional expression. The latter is a way to act on situations to make them more satisfying. Another text on this subject was published in April 1998 under the title "Working with my emotions".
The pitfalls of avoidance
"I no longer have the energy I used to have to go to work; I drag myself to work like I'm going to the gallows."
"I can't concentrate on this project that I care about; it's like I've become indifferent."
"I become anxious as soon as I think about this meeting; I feel like calling in sick."
"As soon as I think about my boss, I become confused; I have no more ideas and I feel stupid."
These examples seem relatively innocuous: they are reactions that are frequently observed and to which we don't pay much attention. Yet, each one can hide a major problem which, if no solution is found, will lead to a crisis situation. Do you think I'm exaggerating? Let's examine them together to see...
Lack of energy or enthusiasm
"I no longer have the energy I used to have to go to work; I drag myself to work like I'm going to the gallows." This is what people who are on the verge of burnout often say. It is an indication of our body's revolt against the way we treat it at work.
If I am generally attentive to my emotional reactions, I will know much sooner that I am abusing myself, my resistance, my health. I will feel within me a frequent conflict between my personal needs and what I consider to be my duty. It will be easier for me to find an opportune moment to take into account my growing fatigue and find solutions not only in the immediate future, but also in the longer term. I will find a new way to organize my work and define its place in my life. I will avoid possible burnout and all the inconveniences that come with it.
If I am less attentive but I agree to take my lack of energy seriously, I can still avoid burnout. To do this, I will have to take immediate and vigorous measures to correct the situation. If I really accept to take my clues into account, if I take the time to pay attention to this warning signal, I will be able to fairly quickly discover the problem and its current severity. But will I be courageous enough to make the necessary changes to my work situation?
Lack of concentration or motivation
"I can't concentrate on this project that I care about; it's like I've become indifferent." This is often what people who don't dare admit the extent of their disappointment with the results of their efforts observe. This difficulty is the first step towards a more general disinvestment that will affect the whole person. The result may resemble acute depression.
If I am usually attentive to what I feel, it is likely that I will never reach this depressive reaction, nor even these difficulties of concentration or motivation. Well before, I will have noticed that my efforts are not bringing me what I expect. I will have much earlier the opportunity to look for a more effective way to obtain the satisfactions I aspire to. If my dissatisfaction is inevitable, I will be able to choose to disinvest from this project to devote my energies to a more profitable area.
Even if I am not in the habit of attaching importance to my emotional reactions, I can choose to consider my lack of concentration or motivation as a warning signal. It is not too late to seriously examine my situation and draw the necessary conclusions.
For example, I may find that the quality of my work does not seem to be appreciated, that my boss's comments are too often negative, that a colleague's obstruction infuriates me, etc. It is still time to choose how I want to take into account these frustrations that are accumulating: ask for a formal evaluation of my work, check if my boss is really dissatisfied with my performance, question my colleague about the nature of his fundamental objections, or disinvest, confront, refuse to continue without better support, etc.
Anxiety or temptation to avoid
"I become anxious as soon as I think about this meeting; I feel like calling in sick." We have all experienced situations like this: those whose mere thought is enough to make us anxious. But it is rarer that this discomfort goes so far as to make illness appear as an attractive solution. This is a sign that we no longer believe we are able to cope with the reactions that this situation provokes in us. Avoidance then appears to us as the only viable solution. Yet, we know very well that an absence will solve nothing and that the problem will remain intact for the next time.
If I am in the habit of paying attention to what I feel, I already know what emotions this situation leads me to experience. Even if they are unpleasant or uncomfortable, they will not make me anxious (bad without knowing why). I will rather be inhabited by my true experience: worry, sadness, anger, excitement, joy, desire, love, envy, etc. By devoting a little time and attention to it, with a receptive attitude, I will quickly know in what this situation is important from the point of view of satisfying my important needs. It will quickly become possible to choose how to take this into account in my way of acting and expressing myself with my colleagues and partners.
On the other hand, if I am not inclined to pay attention to my emotions, I may be overwhelmed by anxiety. This is a sign that I regularly adopt avoidance as a solution: I refuse the emotions that present themselves and I try to push them away. (See Michelle Larivey's text entitled "Anxiety and anguish: The guardians of mental balance" in the first issue of "La lettre du psy".)
It is still time, when anxiety and the temptation to flee the situation overwhelm us, to find our inner clues by welcoming what we feel. We must devote sufficient attention and the necessary time to it. We can fairly easily find the emotions and concerns that hide behind the anxiety, provided we really want to and accept the answers that will emerge, whatever they may be. It is the refusal of spontaneous answers that maintains avoidance and anxiety. A welcoming attitude will quickly make us discover the emotions that are involved. By taking these emotions seriously, we will soon discover the important issues that were hidden from us and we will be able to choose how to take them into account.
Confusion and emptiness
"As soon as I think about my boss, I become confused; I have no more ideas and I feel stupid." This is a frequent reaction in front of people to whom we attach great importance. It can manifest itself as much in front of a particularly attractive colleague as in front of an expert we admire or a boss we want to impress. In all cases, it is the fact of wanting to hide our reactions that is responsible for the emptiness and confusion. Our efforts to push back the manifestations of what is intensely present are so strong and effective that they make everything that inhabits us disappear.
If I attach great importance to my feelings and emotions, it is improbable that I will find myself in such a situation. I will not push back my reactions enough for them to become so invisible and confusing. I may be embarrassed to attach so much importance to this person, but I will not be tempted to hide it from myself. If I choose to hide it from this person, I will be embarrassed, reserved, intimidated or prone to blushing, but I will not experience this feeling of emptiness and I will not be confused.
What is the advantage of replacing confusion with embarrassment? Apparently, there is not much difference in quality between these two uncomfortable experiences. However, there is a fundamental difference between the two: in confusion or emptiness, I am not in possession of myself. My personal experience is absent from my consciousness and escapes me. An important dimension of what I am experiencing is foreign to me. On the contrary, in the case of embarrassment or inhibition, I know what inhabits me and I know its importance; my problem is one of expression. I do not want to express or let see what I know to be real and important. In this case, I am still in possession of myself. I can, at any time, change my way of acting to restore harmony between my inner life and my expression.
Feeling to inform oneself
All these examples have one thing in common. Each one underlines the first way to use our emotions: to feel them. Indeed, it is enough to take care to feel them to obtain important and precious information about our current situation. The more we remain attentive to what we feel, the more we are able to take into account what matters most to us and the less we risk the often serious consequences that occur if we do not take them into account.
The advantage of this way of taking our emotions into account is that it can remain completely confidential for as long as we want. If we take care to remain attentive to our emotions, they appear clearly to us as soon as they take on some importance or intensity, while they are still easy to control. We can therefore do what we want with them: take note of them to deal with them at the time that suits us, take them into account to see more clearly in the situation, express them immediately, plan a time to communicate them to the other person, etc.
It is we who decide what we want to do with them and when we want to do it. This is the direct benefit we obtain if we regularly remain attentive to our emotions. They become clear early enough for us to be able to choose how to make room for them.
Welcoming to understand
The more we are in complex situations or in relationships where our interlocutors hide an important part of their point of view or their motives, the more our emotions become useful in helping us to understand what is happening. Many people believe that our emotions blind us and prevent us from adapting well to situations. But in reality, the opposite is true: it is the act of constantly pushing back emotions that makes one blind and maladjusted.
But for our feelings and emotions to help us understand complex situations, it is necessary to be attentive to them in a particular way. It is not enough, in these conditions, to wait for them to appear on their own; we must be more welcoming so that they deliver the full richness of their message.
"I don't know why, but I don't feel comfortable with this person."
"He may say that he appreciates my contribution, but I can't feel appreciated."
"He says he supports me, but I feel suspicious."
"I don't understand why I feel attracted to her; we only talk about this task."
Here is a series of examples where my emotional reactions indicate to me that there are dimensions of the situation that I detect without clearly perceiving them. We could talk about intuition, but in reality it is subtle feelings that I experience in reaction to what I know without being really aware of it. These experiences are more frequent than we like to believe and it is enough to stop and consider them to benefit from them.
Often, indeed, we can understand what is happening between us and a colleague long before we have all the elements to do so. It is enough to be truly attentive to the subtleties of our emotional reactions towards this person or in the situations where we are with them. Through our feelings and subtle emotional reactions, we will be able to find clues to discover that smiles are not sincere, that encouragements have hidden objectives, that consensuses are false or fragile, etc. We will also know, intuitively, that we have the trust, affection or esteem of a colleague.
It is therefore by being voluntarily attentive and receptive to the subtleties of my emotional reactions that I obtain clues that enrich and illuminate my understanding of the situation, especially in its interpersonal dimensions. Some people are more skilled at feeling the subtleties of their emotional life in this way and can easily use them. Others have not developed this skill, but they can learn if they choose appropriate methods. (See the Savoir Ressentir program for a proven method.)
How to be so receptive? It's relatively simple: you must
be attentive to what I feel,
be ready to welcome what I discover in this way and
leave these subtle impressions the necessary time to become clear.
By this welcoming attitude, I provide my feelings with the necessary conditions for them to inform me of the aspects that I did not yet see clearly. The same situations will then lead me to say:
"I know that something is not clear between us, even if I don't know what."
"I'm sure he objects to what I'm doing, even if he claims otherwise."
"I know I can't count on his support."
"Although we hide behind work, I desire her and I know she reacts to it."
Temporary Conclusion
We have seen here how our emotions can serve to inform us about our situation and to adapt to it. We have also seen how our more subtle reactions can help us to better perceive the situation by detecting dimensions that are not yet explicit. But the most important thing is that paying attention to our emotional reactions prevents many problems. We make room for our needs instead of exhausting ourselves, we adapt our behavior instead of losing our motivation. This attention also allows us to know what affects us rather than being overwhelmed by anxiety or confusion. In short, we recover essential tools for our adaptation in replacement of experiences of deterioration.
These uses of our emotional life in work situations do not change anything in our usual ways of acting, at least in the eyes of others. All this happens internally, in our awareness of what inhabits us. This is the first way to put our emotions to work.
In a second text in this series dealing with emotions at work ("Working with my emotions"), we will examine another aspect of the same question: the place we can make for the expression of our emotions in our workplace. We will see in which situations we have an advantage in making our emotions known or seen, and what results we can expect following such expression.
Before reading this article, I suggest you put this text into practice: be more attentive to what you feel in work situations and be more welcoming to what you discover there. This will allow you to verify to what extent these methods are applicable in your life. In addition, you will find concrete examples from your life that will be useful for reading "Working with my emotions". Feel free to send us your comments.
Posted online April 22, 2008
europe.adp.com
