No More Manipulation!
14 July 2014
Read by 2341 persons
Parents, spouses, friends, and colleagues often engage in emotional blackmail: they sow doubt and discomfort in us, undermining our self-image. And you, does this never happen to you?
Christmas is approaching, but this year, you have no intention of spending it with family. You prefer a romantic week in Marrakech to your sister-in-law's sly remarks and your father's existential monologues. Personal desire versus family duty... Which will win?
Julie, your best friend, asks to borrow your car. Since you're leaving on vacation the day after tomorrow, you don't want to take any risks. You refuse. "Too bad," replies Julie. "I won't be able to go to this very important appointment for my job..." Even worse: "When you need help, I'm always there." Immediately, you start to feel guilty...
Watch out, you're being manipulated! In fact, we all are. Just as we manipulate others in turn, without necessarily being aware of it. Why? Simply to get the other person to satisfy our desires. For this, guilt-tripping – or how to make the other person responsible for our own discomfort – is ideal. A current topic, as evidenced by the recent publication of two books: *Emotional Blackmail* (InterEditions, 1998) by Susan Forward and *Manipulators Are Among Us* (Les Editions de l'Homme, 1997) by Isabelle Nazare-Aga, a behavioral therapist. Here's what they teach us.
Spot the Master Manipulators
The Eternal Victim
Let's take the example of Christmas with the family. Desiring to bring everyone together on this occasion, the mother will sow doubt in her rebellious daughter: "You know, my dear, family is sacred. We're getting older... There may not be many more Christmases all together... Your brother is coming back especially from London..." A classic case of emotional blackmail, accompanied by an implicit threat: "If you don't come, we will be very unhappy." The mother here adopts the typical behavior of the "victim" to obtain the desired behavior from the other person.
Susan Forward distinguishes four types of "master manipulators":
the bully, who threatens to punish you ("If you leave me, you won't see the children anymore");
the self-flagellator, who turns the threat against himself ("If you leave me, I'll kill myself");
the martyr or the eternal victim, who brandishes his suffering ("How can you do this to your poor mother?")
the purveyor of false hope, who shows you a promising future if you respond to his request ("If you agree to start this business with me, you will earn a lot of money").
The Loaded Gift
Another common method: the false gift. "Through an abusive use of the principle of reciprocity – otherwise essential to good social cohesion – the "giver" keeps the "receiver" in a debtor position. The implicit bargain is as follows: since I gave you this, I have the right to demand that in return. The problem is that the giver chooses when and how the receiver must repay him," explains Isabelle Nazare-Aga.
Example: a grandmother who, because she regularly looks after her grandchildren, allows herself to show up at her son's house unexpectedly, as if she were at home. "How can you say no to her, she's so nice!"
False Beliefs
Why is it so difficult for the manipulated person to react healthily? "Because the manipulator uses family and social beliefs to induce a heavy feeling of moral guilt in his victim," explains Isabelle Nazare-Aga.
Examples of typical beliefs: children are indebted to their parents (because their parents gave them life, because they sacrificed themselves for them, etc.); it is in misfortune that one recognizes one's true friends...
"The guilt that the master manipulator instills in the minds of his victims undermines the positive self-image that they seek to build," explains Susan Forward. Abandonment, selfishness, injustice, betrayal are the sensitive points on which the manipulator presses with the intention of doing harm. He often proceeds by insinuation. He never expresses a clear request and reduces you to powerlessness. Example: a sick mother, coughing very loudly on the phone, manages to slip in a plaintive tone to her daughter that she hasn't eaten for three days because she doesn't have the courage to go shopping. But, above all, she doesn't ask for anything...
Defuse the Traps
Get Clear With Yourself
Do a self-examination. Identify the beliefs about yourself that spontaneously come to mind: I am selfish, ungrateful, I am never up to par, I am worthless...
Then stop focusing on the situation and try to change your perspective to make an objective assessment of yourself: "Is it true that I am selfish? This is all I have done for her for three years..." ; "Is it true that I am not up to par? Here are the things I can put to my credit..." Because the manipulator uses a single act of the person to judge them in their entirety.
Then sort out what is or is not your responsibility: "Does their problem exist independently of me or am I really the cause of it?" Indeed, the manipulator's own way is to blur the lines by putting their needs before yours. "How far can I respond to their request while respecting myself?" Once you have assessed your limits, you can make a clear decision. Two strategies are then available to you: counter-manipulation or confrontation.
Learn to Counter-Manipulate
To avoid giving the manipulator a foothold, don't try to justify yourself, as this would only make you even more vulnerable. On the contrary, suggests Isabelle Nazare-Aga, simulate indifference – even if you are terribly torn inside! – and refer them to their own beliefs using a few typical phrases spoken calmly:
"I have a clear conscience."
"Not everyone thinks like you."
"That's your opinion."
"I don't agree."
"To each their own."
"Yes, I don't do things like everyone else!"
The goal: to protect yourself by not reacting to your interlocutor's provocations.
Example: your friend Marianne, alone and depressed, reproaches you for not having invited her to your last dinner.
"When you were down, I introduced you to my friends; you let me down.
– It's not because I didn't invite you to dinner that I let you down. When you need to talk to me on the phone or come to the house, I'm there.
– Yes, but that's the least a friend can do.
– If you don't value what I bring you, that's a shame. I have the impression that you are demanding reimbursement from me for what you did for me.
– No, but for you, it wasn't a big deal to add another place setting. For me, it mattered a lot.
– You count what others should do for you according to your criteria. I'm really sorry for you."
Dare to Confront
This is the second possible strategy. Here, it is a question of referring the other person to their need, therefore to their responsibility. More demanding, confrontation may lead you to take a stand on the nature of the relationship you wish to maintain with the person who is manipulating you.
Example: you are married, the father of two young children and passionate about football, horse riding or tennis. Unfortunately, every time you plan to indulge in your passion, your wife tyrannizes you: "You leave me in the lurch with the children! Can you imagine if I did the same...?"
"Every reproach expresses an indirect request," notes Jacques Salomé, author of *To Stop Living on Planet Silence* (Albin Michel, 1997). You must therefore try to get the other person to state their need. "When you have fun without me, I feel abandoned, unloved." There, you can engage in a substantial discussion about the nature of your relationship: "Do I have to give up my passion to prove my love to you?
Doesn't the fulfillment of our relationship depend on the well-being of each of us?" This can also lead to negotiations on the time spent together and separately, the sharing of tasks, etc.
Refusing manipulation is accepting to be seen as a "bad daughter," a "selfish husband," a "difficult colleague." Therefore, giving up an ideal image of oneself. You will succeed by becoming aware of your worth. And that takes work. You may become less "likeable" in the eyes of the manipulator, but by freeing yourself from this outside gaze, you will gain a precious asset: your freedom. Facing a tyrannical boss
Colleagues, junior managers, bosses... In the office, everyone manipulates everyone. Some calmly resist ("Sorry, but this week I really don't have time to handle this extra file"), while others give in without saying a word for fear of being fired. How can you reach a modus vivendi with a boss who constantly imposes additional workloads on you? "Opt for the strategy of temporary adaptation," advises Susan Forward.
Here are the basic rules:
Don't tolerate anything that could harm your health. Absolutely no accepting requests that would jeopardize your physical or mental balance.
Have confidence in yourself. Do a self-examination and see if you can or cannot improve your way of working to meet the new demand. The important thing is not to let yourself be undermined by negative beliefs about yourself ("I am too slow, I am not up to par," etc.).
Consider modest actions that could improve the situation. Instead of rushing into a confrontation with your boss, feel out the ground to clarify your position. Ask him, for example, to explain concretely how he would "better organize himself"... Or divert yourself from your usual submissive behavior by announcing that due to important projects planned long ago, you will not be available when he needs you. Sometimes, the worst tyrant ends up giving in to determined resistance. And as paradoxical as it may seem, you thus force their respect.
Cécile Dollé.
Psychologies.com
Posted online July 14, 2014.
Christmas is approaching, but this year, you have no intention of spending it with family. You prefer a romantic week in Marrakech to your sister-in-law's sly remarks and your father's existential monologues. Personal desire versus family duty... Which will win?
Julie, your best friend, asks to borrow your car. Since you're leaving on vacation the day after tomorrow, you don't want to take any risks. You refuse. "Too bad," replies Julie. "I won't be able to go to this very important appointment for my job..." Even worse: "When you need help, I'm always there." Immediately, you start to feel guilty...
Watch out, you're being manipulated! In fact, we all are. Just as we manipulate others in turn, without necessarily being aware of it. Why? Simply to get the other person to satisfy our desires. For this, guilt-tripping – or how to make the other person responsible for our own discomfort – is ideal. A current topic, as evidenced by the recent publication of two books: *Emotional Blackmail* (InterEditions, 1998) by Susan Forward and *Manipulators Are Among Us* (Les Editions de l'Homme, 1997) by Isabelle Nazare-Aga, a behavioral therapist. Here's what they teach us.
Spot the Master Manipulators
The Eternal Victim
Let's take the example of Christmas with the family. Desiring to bring everyone together on this occasion, the mother will sow doubt in her rebellious daughter: "You know, my dear, family is sacred. We're getting older... There may not be many more Christmases all together... Your brother is coming back especially from London..." A classic case of emotional blackmail, accompanied by an implicit threat: "If you don't come, we will be very unhappy." The mother here adopts the typical behavior of the "victim" to obtain the desired behavior from the other person.
Susan Forward distinguishes four types of "master manipulators":
the bully, who threatens to punish you ("If you leave me, you won't see the children anymore");
the self-flagellator, who turns the threat against himself ("If you leave me, I'll kill myself");
the martyr or the eternal victim, who brandishes his suffering ("How can you do this to your poor mother?")
the purveyor of false hope, who shows you a promising future if you respond to his request ("If you agree to start this business with me, you will earn a lot of money").
The Loaded Gift
Another common method: the false gift. "Through an abusive use of the principle of reciprocity – otherwise essential to good social cohesion – the "giver" keeps the "receiver" in a debtor position. The implicit bargain is as follows: since I gave you this, I have the right to demand that in return. The problem is that the giver chooses when and how the receiver must repay him," explains Isabelle Nazare-Aga.
Example: a grandmother who, because she regularly looks after her grandchildren, allows herself to show up at her son's house unexpectedly, as if she were at home. "How can you say no to her, she's so nice!"
False Beliefs
Why is it so difficult for the manipulated person to react healthily? "Because the manipulator uses family and social beliefs to induce a heavy feeling of moral guilt in his victim," explains Isabelle Nazare-Aga.
Examples of typical beliefs: children are indebted to their parents (because their parents gave them life, because they sacrificed themselves for them, etc.); it is in misfortune that one recognizes one's true friends...
"The guilt that the master manipulator instills in the minds of his victims undermines the positive self-image that they seek to build," explains Susan Forward. Abandonment, selfishness, injustice, betrayal are the sensitive points on which the manipulator presses with the intention of doing harm. He often proceeds by insinuation. He never expresses a clear request and reduces you to powerlessness. Example: a sick mother, coughing very loudly on the phone, manages to slip in a plaintive tone to her daughter that she hasn't eaten for three days because she doesn't have the courage to go shopping. But, above all, she doesn't ask for anything...
Defuse the Traps
Get Clear With Yourself
Do a self-examination. Identify the beliefs about yourself that spontaneously come to mind: I am selfish, ungrateful, I am never up to par, I am worthless...
Then stop focusing on the situation and try to change your perspective to make an objective assessment of yourself: "Is it true that I am selfish? This is all I have done for her for three years..." ; "Is it true that I am not up to par? Here are the things I can put to my credit..." Because the manipulator uses a single act of the person to judge them in their entirety.
Then sort out what is or is not your responsibility: "Does their problem exist independently of me or am I really the cause of it?" Indeed, the manipulator's own way is to blur the lines by putting their needs before yours. "How far can I respond to their request while respecting myself?" Once you have assessed your limits, you can make a clear decision. Two strategies are then available to you: counter-manipulation or confrontation.
Learn to Counter-Manipulate
To avoid giving the manipulator a foothold, don't try to justify yourself, as this would only make you even more vulnerable. On the contrary, suggests Isabelle Nazare-Aga, simulate indifference – even if you are terribly torn inside! – and refer them to their own beliefs using a few typical phrases spoken calmly:
"I have a clear conscience."
"Not everyone thinks like you."
"That's your opinion."
"I don't agree."
"To each their own."
"Yes, I don't do things like everyone else!"
The goal: to protect yourself by not reacting to your interlocutor's provocations.
Example: your friend Marianne, alone and depressed, reproaches you for not having invited her to your last dinner.
"When you were down, I introduced you to my friends; you let me down.
– It's not because I didn't invite you to dinner that I let you down. When you need to talk to me on the phone or come to the house, I'm there.
– Yes, but that's the least a friend can do.
– If you don't value what I bring you, that's a shame. I have the impression that you are demanding reimbursement from me for what you did for me.
– No, but for you, it wasn't a big deal to add another place setting. For me, it mattered a lot.
– You count what others should do for you according to your criteria. I'm really sorry for you."
Dare to Confront
This is the second possible strategy. Here, it is a question of referring the other person to their need, therefore to their responsibility. More demanding, confrontation may lead you to take a stand on the nature of the relationship you wish to maintain with the person who is manipulating you.
Example: you are married, the father of two young children and passionate about football, horse riding or tennis. Unfortunately, every time you plan to indulge in your passion, your wife tyrannizes you: "You leave me in the lurch with the children! Can you imagine if I did the same...?"
"Every reproach expresses an indirect request," notes Jacques Salomé, author of *To Stop Living on Planet Silence* (Albin Michel, 1997). You must therefore try to get the other person to state their need. "When you have fun without me, I feel abandoned, unloved." There, you can engage in a substantial discussion about the nature of your relationship: "Do I have to give up my passion to prove my love to you?
Doesn't the fulfillment of our relationship depend on the well-being of each of us?" This can also lead to negotiations on the time spent together and separately, the sharing of tasks, etc.
Refusing manipulation is accepting to be seen as a "bad daughter," a "selfish husband," a "difficult colleague." Therefore, giving up an ideal image of oneself. You will succeed by becoming aware of your worth. And that takes work. You may become less "likeable" in the eyes of the manipulator, but by freeing yourself from this outside gaze, you will gain a precious asset: your freedom. Facing a tyrannical boss
Colleagues, junior managers, bosses... In the office, everyone manipulates everyone. Some calmly resist ("Sorry, but this week I really don't have time to handle this extra file"), while others give in without saying a word for fear of being fired. How can you reach a modus vivendi with a boss who constantly imposes additional workloads on you? "Opt for the strategy of temporary adaptation," advises Susan Forward.
Here are the basic rules:
Don't tolerate anything that could harm your health. Absolutely no accepting requests that would jeopardize your physical or mental balance.
Have confidence in yourself. Do a self-examination and see if you can or cannot improve your way of working to meet the new demand. The important thing is not to let yourself be undermined by negative beliefs about yourself ("I am too slow, I am not up to par," etc.).
Consider modest actions that could improve the situation. Instead of rushing into a confrontation with your boss, feel out the ground to clarify your position. Ask him, for example, to explain concretely how he would "better organize himself"... Or divert yourself from your usual submissive behavior by announcing that due to important projects planned long ago, you will not be available when he needs you. Sometimes, the worst tyrant ends up giving in to determined resistance. And as paradoxical as it may seem, you thus force their respect.
Cécile Dollé.
Psychologies.com
Posted online July 14, 2014.
