Narcissistic Perverts: When Your Boss is a Hidden Tyrant
5 May 2014
Read by 2811 persons
The workplace is a prime hunting ground for "Narcissistic Perverts" (NP), those skilled manipulators and bullies. Companies struggle to get rid of them.
Salif, a 26-year-old IT worker, found solace in online harassment forums. His experience mirrored the descriptions of NPs. His "dream boss" initially showered him with compliments and coffee. Then, insidious, unsubstantiated criticisms began. Salif was gradually excluded from meetings, eventually removed from the team's email list. He felt isolated and lost. "My boss would be nice again, then it would start all over. If I hadn't been transferred, I'd be unemployed or depressed."
The only solution: escape, if possible...
When faced with a narcissistic pervert, lawyers, psychologists, and occupational health professionals offer one solution: flee. Protect yourself. Leave as soon as possible. If possible... "Mass unemployment has created a pervasive sense of insecurity among many employees, who feel trapped," says Jean-Claude Delgènes of Technologia, a firm specializing in psychosocial risk prevention. This is unfortunate, as the workplace is a favored hunting ground for these modern predators. Often charming and eloquent, lacking empathy and guilt, they thrive on "a controlling relationship that is difficult to break," according to psychoanalyst Jean-Claude Bouchoux. While the phenomenon is difficult to quantify, French management styles seem particularly conducive: "In international surveys, our companies rank among the lowest in the quality of hierarchical relationships and job satisfaction. This lack of attention to the "human" element creates an ideal context for these deviants," highlights psychiatrist Patrick Légeron, founder of Stimulus.
So what to do when faced with a potentially manipulative and destructive colleague, subordinate, or boss? "First, try to de-escalate and, above all, avoid false accusations," replies psychiatrist Marie-France Hirigoyen, known for popularizing the concepts of moral harassment and narcissistic perversion. These terms are now overused. Narcissistic perversion should not be confused with perverse defensive behavior induced by a pathological work environment," adds the psychologist. To be sure, she recommends a good-faith exchange to try to make the other person aware of the harm they are causing. Does nothing change? Do they blame you? The danger is there; you need to protect yourself.
When the criticisms and underhanded tactics started alternating with "bouquets of flowers, lunches between "girlfriends," and confidences," Joëlle, a senior manager in the insurance industry, immediately spoke to her husband: "He reminded me of the essentials: at 55, I had always performed well, so the problem wasn't me." And when her superior, a young woman who had been in the position for a year, tried to destabilize her by saying that a long-time colleague was complaining about her behavior, Joëlle went to see that colleague: "She was, of course, surprised. I resist by returning to objective facts, one of the best techniques to counter manipulators, but it's exhausting. Others here are on sick leave, taking antidepressants," she sighs.
They identify their victims' weaknesses and exploit them
Victims often struggle to grieve the toxic relationship. "When someone starts by telling you that you're the best, it's pleasant," notes Anne-Catherine Sabas, author of *Triomphez des manipulateurs* (Conquer Manipulators). Rémy, a trader at a major bank, fell into this trap. He committed suicide. "His boss invited him to dinner; they even went on vacation together. Then he started humiliating him, refusing him trips or leave, and making him work in the same space as interns," recounts the lawyer for his family, Me Michel Ledoux, who recalls the Post-it notes where the victim wrote to his tormentor: "Why do you treat me like a dog? What need do you have to shoot at me?"
The golden rule when facing a "NP": say as little as possible, as they identify their victims' weaknesses and exploit them. "One of my patients, employed by a large financial institution, once told his superior that he couldn't stand air fresheners. The next day, the other emptied a can of air freshener into his office, passing it off as a joke. And everything was in keeping with that," says psychotherapist Pascal Couderc. So it's difficult to stay calm.
And yet... Frédéric, a calm individual, remained unflappable in the face of a boss "capable of yelling at you over trifles, then dining with you on a business trip as if nothing had happened." "I knew that if I responded, it would be worse," recalls this auditor, who had a simple strategy: avoid his boss. "You can also use counter-manipulation, train yourself to respond with short sentences, feign indifference," insists Isabelle Nazare-Aga, who organizes seminars on dealing with manipulators.
Toxic personalities impact productivity
And, of course, keep written records of everything – send emails, if possible with multiple people in CC. These documents are valuable if the situation escalates. "Unfortunately, between helping someone in distress and sacrificing a harasser who is otherwise effective at work, some managers choose quickly," notes Patrick Légeron. Because narcissistic perverts know how to win over management. "Some become immovable," confirms Jean-Claude Delgènes, who intervened in a large energy group where an audit department experienced high turnover. "Everyone knew the problem, but the head of the department was from the Mines and protected by his network. He was simply transferred, and even that was complicated," he recalls.
However, companies should be wary. Damaged teamwork, demotivation, turnover, absenteeism: toxic personalities impact productivity. As for the legal risk, it becomes a headache. "A harasser sanctioned without sufficient evidence can sue their employer. This is even more likely since, as a good narcissist, they hate humiliation. And, at the same time, the company has a duty of care in terms of occupational health: in the event of harassment, it will always be at fault," explains Me Ledoux.
Manfred Kets de Vries, a professor at Insead, therefore advocates a radical solution: "Avoid hiring future tyrants." To do this, conduct multiple interviews, cross-check the candidate's answers, and detect inconsistencies. And, for those who slip through the cracks, implement a work organization that prevents them from causing harm: say that complaints will be taken into account, and allow for criticism. "But that's difficult in France," adds this Dutchman. "In your country, all power is concentrated, and from school onwards, initiative is discouraged in favor of obedience."
Lexpress.fr
Posted online May 5, 2014.
Salif, a 26-year-old IT worker, found solace in online harassment forums. His experience mirrored the descriptions of NPs. His "dream boss" initially showered him with compliments and coffee. Then, insidious, unsubstantiated criticisms began. Salif was gradually excluded from meetings, eventually removed from the team's email list. He felt isolated and lost. "My boss would be nice again, then it would start all over. If I hadn't been transferred, I'd be unemployed or depressed."
The only solution: escape, if possible...
When faced with a narcissistic pervert, lawyers, psychologists, and occupational health professionals offer one solution: flee. Protect yourself. Leave as soon as possible. If possible... "Mass unemployment has created a pervasive sense of insecurity among many employees, who feel trapped," says Jean-Claude Delgènes of Technologia, a firm specializing in psychosocial risk prevention. This is unfortunate, as the workplace is a favored hunting ground for these modern predators. Often charming and eloquent, lacking empathy and guilt, they thrive on "a controlling relationship that is difficult to break," according to psychoanalyst Jean-Claude Bouchoux. While the phenomenon is difficult to quantify, French management styles seem particularly conducive: "In international surveys, our companies rank among the lowest in the quality of hierarchical relationships and job satisfaction. This lack of attention to the "human" element creates an ideal context for these deviants," highlights psychiatrist Patrick Légeron, founder of Stimulus.
So what to do when faced with a potentially manipulative and destructive colleague, subordinate, or boss? "First, try to de-escalate and, above all, avoid false accusations," replies psychiatrist Marie-France Hirigoyen, known for popularizing the concepts of moral harassment and narcissistic perversion. These terms are now overused. Narcissistic perversion should not be confused with perverse defensive behavior induced by a pathological work environment," adds the psychologist. To be sure, she recommends a good-faith exchange to try to make the other person aware of the harm they are causing. Does nothing change? Do they blame you? The danger is there; you need to protect yourself.
When the criticisms and underhanded tactics started alternating with "bouquets of flowers, lunches between "girlfriends," and confidences," Joëlle, a senior manager in the insurance industry, immediately spoke to her husband: "He reminded me of the essentials: at 55, I had always performed well, so the problem wasn't me." And when her superior, a young woman who had been in the position for a year, tried to destabilize her by saying that a long-time colleague was complaining about her behavior, Joëlle went to see that colleague: "She was, of course, surprised. I resist by returning to objective facts, one of the best techniques to counter manipulators, but it's exhausting. Others here are on sick leave, taking antidepressants," she sighs.
They identify their victims' weaknesses and exploit them
Victims often struggle to grieve the toxic relationship. "When someone starts by telling you that you're the best, it's pleasant," notes Anne-Catherine Sabas, author of *Triomphez des manipulateurs* (Conquer Manipulators). Rémy, a trader at a major bank, fell into this trap. He committed suicide. "His boss invited him to dinner; they even went on vacation together. Then he started humiliating him, refusing him trips or leave, and making him work in the same space as interns," recounts the lawyer for his family, Me Michel Ledoux, who recalls the Post-it notes where the victim wrote to his tormentor: "Why do you treat me like a dog? What need do you have to shoot at me?"
The golden rule when facing a "NP": say as little as possible, as they identify their victims' weaknesses and exploit them. "One of my patients, employed by a large financial institution, once told his superior that he couldn't stand air fresheners. The next day, the other emptied a can of air freshener into his office, passing it off as a joke. And everything was in keeping with that," says psychotherapist Pascal Couderc. So it's difficult to stay calm.
And yet... Frédéric, a calm individual, remained unflappable in the face of a boss "capable of yelling at you over trifles, then dining with you on a business trip as if nothing had happened." "I knew that if I responded, it would be worse," recalls this auditor, who had a simple strategy: avoid his boss. "You can also use counter-manipulation, train yourself to respond with short sentences, feign indifference," insists Isabelle Nazare-Aga, who organizes seminars on dealing with manipulators.
Toxic personalities impact productivity
And, of course, keep written records of everything – send emails, if possible with multiple people in CC. These documents are valuable if the situation escalates. "Unfortunately, between helping someone in distress and sacrificing a harasser who is otherwise effective at work, some managers choose quickly," notes Patrick Légeron. Because narcissistic perverts know how to win over management. "Some become immovable," confirms Jean-Claude Delgènes, who intervened in a large energy group where an audit department experienced high turnover. "Everyone knew the problem, but the head of the department was from the Mines and protected by his network. He was simply transferred, and even that was complicated," he recalls.
However, companies should be wary. Damaged teamwork, demotivation, turnover, absenteeism: toxic personalities impact productivity. As for the legal risk, it becomes a headache. "A harasser sanctioned without sufficient evidence can sue their employer. This is even more likely since, as a good narcissist, they hate humiliation. And, at the same time, the company has a duty of care in terms of occupational health: in the event of harassment, it will always be at fault," explains Me Ledoux.
Manfred Kets de Vries, a professor at Insead, therefore advocates a radical solution: "Avoid hiring future tyrants." To do this, conduct multiple interviews, cross-check the candidate's answers, and detect inconsistencies. And, for those who slip through the cracks, implement a work organization that prevents them from causing harm: say that complaints will be taken into account, and allow for criticism. "But that's difficult in France," adds this Dutchman. "In your country, all power is concentrated, and from school onwards, initiative is discouraged in favor of obedience."
Lexpress.fr
Posted online May 5, 2014.
