How Much Should You Tell Your Boss About Yourself?
17 September 2013
Read by 2114 persons
Talking to your boss about your personal life, your desires, and your plans... Risky or not? Is a hierarchical relationship compatible with confidentiality? Investigation.
During her recruitment interview and probationary period, Karine, 38, a computer engineer, hid her early pregnancy from her employer. "I held my stomach until my permanent contract was signed," she says. "Of course, when I told him I was pregnant, he was furious. I asked him what he would have advised his daughter if she had been in my place. He calmed down..." "Women often have difficulty distinguishing between what is private and what is not," notes Fatma Bouvet de la Maisonneuve, a psychiatrist at Sainte-Anne Hospital in Paris. "And for good reason: they are penalized by the company as soon as they become mothers." Many still hesitate to talk about a sick child or a nanny problem to request a change in hours, as if their personal life were inappropriate. "However, we are not in the private realm," observes the psychiatrist. "It's simply a fact: parenthood, which concerns not only women—nearly half the workforce—but also men! Those who claim today not to sacrifice their family life find themselves discredited in turn."
Making Room for Emotions
However, just as in relationships with authority, parenthood, or what is now called diversity, the place of individual expression in the company is changing. "The difficulty lies in assessing where the danger lies," says Fatma Bouvet de la Maisonneuve. "In mentioning discontent at the risk of losing your job? Or in keeping quiet at the risk of jeopardizing your health?" Not being able to say to your boss: "In the meeting, you said something that disqualified me, I'm hurt and angry..." is extremely toxic. Hurt feelings, disappointments, and misunderstandings are, however, commonplace in work relationships.
"Beyond the task to be accomplished, emotions are the material with which we work. They can sometimes be the starting point of suffering, and it is necessary to talk about them to gain mutual respect, but also efficiency," encourages the psychiatrist. Encouraged by her, one of her patients went to see her supervisor to explain her discomfort after a short phrase thrown between two doors: "She expected to be rebuked. To her surprise, her boss apologized for her clumsiness and took care to commend her work."
Caught between teams who reproach them for their lack of availability, their haste, or their harshness, and a hierarchy that pressures them, middle managers are often unaware of the effects of their stress on their colleagues. Many regret it as soon as they realize it. "We multiply observatories, barometers, and questionnaires, and we don't know what becomes of them," laments Fatma Bouvet de la Maisonneuve. "Some companies have even implemented an "SOS psy" button on office phones. Imagine the distance that has been established between colleagues so that one no longer even considers being able to support each other."
Therefore, nothing beats a conversation in good faith. "Currently, everyone is in difficulty in the company," assures psychiatrist Jacques-Antoine Malarewicz. "Talking about your difficulties has become a norm after being a taboo. It is therefore increasingly accepted, especially since the use of coaching or therapists has become commonplace."
And on the Side of the Bosses
This book, by putting the personal back into the professional, allows you to look at your career differently, and to make it evolve according to your own needs and desires (Michel Lafon, 2011).
The problem, according to Luce Janin-Devillars, coach and psychoanalyst, is those organizations where using informal language is the rule: "One easily slips into a form of familiarity that leads to no longer knowing how to differentiate between the rules of friendship and those of work." "It's the famous Generation Y, those 25-30 year-olds, in the new technologies or advertising professions, who tend to replace authority relationships with relationships of collusion," adds Jacques-Antoine Malarewicz. "But there always comes a time when collusion conflicts with the demands of work. Because it is the goals of the company that take precedence and, unconsciously and collectively, the system keeps at bay anything that could constitute an obstacle to its demand for profitability. As a result, one feels betrayed by the person one considered a friend."
Florence, 48, a communications director, heads a team of about twenty people. When she receives confidences from an employee, she always feels torn between her personal feelings and what she understands to be her role. "I want to listen and help," she explains. "But I fear several pitfalls: at what point does being understanding end up causing organizational problems? Will the attention I give to one person be perceived by others as favoritism? At what point is my empathy likely to be felt as indiscreet or misplaced? Will the person who confided in me then distrust me?"
And then there are these other questions that some managers ask themselves: am I bound by a form of reciprocity? Can I confide myself too, without losing my authority? Suzanne, 40, a publisher, doesn't like it when a boss confides in her. "Because I can't respond to her like a friend, set boundaries where I would like them to be. It's already difficult to establish good working relationships. If they are also complicated by a pseudo-friendship on which one cannot really rely..." Anne, 29, a junior trainer, on the other hand, appreciates that her boss shares her professional difficulties: the hesitations she has about a client, the decisions on which she feels she made mistakes, her fear of making management errors. "For me, it's very educational to see a business leader who doesn't claim to manage everything all the time or alone..."
What risks are there in confiding? First, "to encounter the immaturity of the manager, which makes him unworthy of trust," warns Jacques-Antoine Malarewicz. Because they are very poorly trained in human relations and especially in conflict management, some try to please everyone, and change their mind when the situation changes. What is collected one day under the seal of confidentiality is divulged the next day to those who should not hear it. Another pitfall: seeing small groups form that escape the common rule. "There can be, on the part of the boss as well as the employees, the temptation to make oneself likeable to protect oneself from potential accusations of incompetence," diagnoses the psychiatrist. Hence the interest in relying on a framework, which puts confidence in a professional perspective. One will request an appointment rather than confiding between two doors. "What we aim for, by exposing our family difficulties or our moods, is to examine together how to work best," says Dina Scherrer, a coach. "The discussion will be all the more likely to bear fruit if the superior is assured that the employee aspires, in the end, to regain involvement."
The annual performance review can be an opportunity to discuss personal matters. "But it is also the meeting that employees fear the most, the moment when occupational health and HR are on alert, because they are often designed by managers as a time to "reframe" their troops," recalls Fatma Bouvet de la Maisonneuve. It is better to establish the exchange gently, to ask if it is the right person—"We intuitively know which ones lift us up or not," says Dina Scherrer—the right time... "Don't hesitate to ask your interlocutor if it is possible to discuss such a topic, if they are willing to hear it now or if it makes them uncomfortable," continues the coach. A conversation started without delay is always preferable to a situation that worsens and will in any case have to be resolved... through dialogue.
Laurence Lemoine.
Psychologies.com
Posted online September 17, 2013.
During her recruitment interview and probationary period, Karine, 38, a computer engineer, hid her early pregnancy from her employer. "I held my stomach until my permanent contract was signed," she says. "Of course, when I told him I was pregnant, he was furious. I asked him what he would have advised his daughter if she had been in my place. He calmed down..." "Women often have difficulty distinguishing between what is private and what is not," notes Fatma Bouvet de la Maisonneuve, a psychiatrist at Sainte-Anne Hospital in Paris. "And for good reason: they are penalized by the company as soon as they become mothers." Many still hesitate to talk about a sick child or a nanny problem to request a change in hours, as if their personal life were inappropriate. "However, we are not in the private realm," observes the psychiatrist. "It's simply a fact: parenthood, which concerns not only women—nearly half the workforce—but also men! Those who claim today not to sacrifice their family life find themselves discredited in turn."
Making Room for Emotions
However, just as in relationships with authority, parenthood, or what is now called diversity, the place of individual expression in the company is changing. "The difficulty lies in assessing where the danger lies," says Fatma Bouvet de la Maisonneuve. "In mentioning discontent at the risk of losing your job? Or in keeping quiet at the risk of jeopardizing your health?" Not being able to say to your boss: "In the meeting, you said something that disqualified me, I'm hurt and angry..." is extremely toxic. Hurt feelings, disappointments, and misunderstandings are, however, commonplace in work relationships.
"Beyond the task to be accomplished, emotions are the material with which we work. They can sometimes be the starting point of suffering, and it is necessary to talk about them to gain mutual respect, but also efficiency," encourages the psychiatrist. Encouraged by her, one of her patients went to see her supervisor to explain her discomfort after a short phrase thrown between two doors: "She expected to be rebuked. To her surprise, her boss apologized for her clumsiness and took care to commend her work."
Caught between teams who reproach them for their lack of availability, their haste, or their harshness, and a hierarchy that pressures them, middle managers are often unaware of the effects of their stress on their colleagues. Many regret it as soon as they realize it. "We multiply observatories, barometers, and questionnaires, and we don't know what becomes of them," laments Fatma Bouvet de la Maisonneuve. "Some companies have even implemented an "SOS psy" button on office phones. Imagine the distance that has been established between colleagues so that one no longer even considers being able to support each other."
Therefore, nothing beats a conversation in good faith. "Currently, everyone is in difficulty in the company," assures psychiatrist Jacques-Antoine Malarewicz. "Talking about your difficulties has become a norm after being a taboo. It is therefore increasingly accepted, especially since the use of coaching or therapists has become commonplace."
And on the Side of the Bosses
This book, by putting the personal back into the professional, allows you to look at your career differently, and to make it evolve according to your own needs and desires (Michel Lafon, 2011).
The problem, according to Luce Janin-Devillars, coach and psychoanalyst, is those organizations where using informal language is the rule: "One easily slips into a form of familiarity that leads to no longer knowing how to differentiate between the rules of friendship and those of work." "It's the famous Generation Y, those 25-30 year-olds, in the new technologies or advertising professions, who tend to replace authority relationships with relationships of collusion," adds Jacques-Antoine Malarewicz. "But there always comes a time when collusion conflicts with the demands of work. Because it is the goals of the company that take precedence and, unconsciously and collectively, the system keeps at bay anything that could constitute an obstacle to its demand for profitability. As a result, one feels betrayed by the person one considered a friend."
Florence, 48, a communications director, heads a team of about twenty people. When she receives confidences from an employee, she always feels torn between her personal feelings and what she understands to be her role. "I want to listen and help," she explains. "But I fear several pitfalls: at what point does being understanding end up causing organizational problems? Will the attention I give to one person be perceived by others as favoritism? At what point is my empathy likely to be felt as indiscreet or misplaced? Will the person who confided in me then distrust me?"
And then there are these other questions that some managers ask themselves: am I bound by a form of reciprocity? Can I confide myself too, without losing my authority? Suzanne, 40, a publisher, doesn't like it when a boss confides in her. "Because I can't respond to her like a friend, set boundaries where I would like them to be. It's already difficult to establish good working relationships. If they are also complicated by a pseudo-friendship on which one cannot really rely..." Anne, 29, a junior trainer, on the other hand, appreciates that her boss shares her professional difficulties: the hesitations she has about a client, the decisions on which she feels she made mistakes, her fear of making management errors. "For me, it's very educational to see a business leader who doesn't claim to manage everything all the time or alone..."
What risks are there in confiding? First, "to encounter the immaturity of the manager, which makes him unworthy of trust," warns Jacques-Antoine Malarewicz. Because they are very poorly trained in human relations and especially in conflict management, some try to please everyone, and change their mind when the situation changes. What is collected one day under the seal of confidentiality is divulged the next day to those who should not hear it. Another pitfall: seeing small groups form that escape the common rule. "There can be, on the part of the boss as well as the employees, the temptation to make oneself likeable to protect oneself from potential accusations of incompetence," diagnoses the psychiatrist. Hence the interest in relying on a framework, which puts confidence in a professional perspective. One will request an appointment rather than confiding between two doors. "What we aim for, by exposing our family difficulties or our moods, is to examine together how to work best," says Dina Scherrer, a coach. "The discussion will be all the more likely to bear fruit if the superior is assured that the employee aspires, in the end, to regain involvement."
The annual performance review can be an opportunity to discuss personal matters. "But it is also the meeting that employees fear the most, the moment when occupational health and HR are on alert, because they are often designed by managers as a time to "reframe" their troops," recalls Fatma Bouvet de la Maisonneuve. It is better to establish the exchange gently, to ask if it is the right person—"We intuitively know which ones lift us up or not," says Dina Scherrer—the right time... "Don't hesitate to ask your interlocutor if it is possible to discuss such a topic, if they are willing to hear it now or if it makes them uncomfortable," continues the coach. A conversation started without delay is always preferable to a situation that worsens and will in any case have to be resolved... through dialogue.
Laurence Lemoine.
Psychologies.com
Posted online September 17, 2013.
